Where is my god and what is my religion?

When I thought of writing today I was not sure if I should write about this. But that’s all is going on in my mind. I am sure I am touching a very sensitive topic but please bear with me, because if I cannot speak what I feel, or if I worry that my friends will judge me what is point in telling my story to you anyway.

I stopped writing few months ago thinking it was becoming my monologue about our life. I got few emails and messages asking about my next blog and I conveniently ignored it. I thought my main purpose was to let my close friends and families know about our journey, was it really helpful? During my recent trip to India I realized that many of the people around us see “Anand and Autism” just a tiny part of our life. I couldn’t explain to them that it IS our life now. Our life revolves around that and nothing matters more than our kids.

Anyway, those discussions are topic of another blog. Today it is all about God and religion. I have given many advices from medicines to prayers to fasting to charity and do many more things to ”cure” Anand. I am sure many thinks that its all god’s plan. But here I am, thinking where is GOD in this plan?

I was born in a religious Hindu family; my dad is very strong believer of dharma. I grew up having all festivals, rituals, prayers, mantra and sholkas but did I really believe in those? I guess not. I questioned those believes many a times. Having been married to an agnostic for a long time  I think I started thinking like him. So when I am having days like today I go back to the original thinking – Why us. (http://momlovesanand.blogspot.com/2012/10/it-could-be-worse.html)

Today I was reading about the book "The Secret" and "Laws of Attraction". 

The article talked about faith and believing in the positives. But somehow I feel like questioning. What kind of faith and what kind of God. All these years I did ask those question, went through many cycles of emotions. I didn’t find any answer or comfort but figured what I needed to know. God or no god.. I guess motherhood is my religion now.