This conversation made me write today. We have been talking how it is difficult to let go of our dreams and wishes for our kids. Some times we forget those are OURS not theirs. They have their own dream and wishes.
The conversation took me back 22 years. When as a young 23 yrs old girl I questioned the system, rituals, customs and even my parent's thinking. I couldn't disregard the values but sure questioned their validity and way of thinking. I questioned the way a girl has to get married, how the choice of choosing a partner some times felt like a business decision. I so believed in love and respect not caste, socio economic status, education or money. I have come a long way and can see the value in every parents's dilemma but at the same time remember what it was to be 23, in love and ready to disregard age old traditions. I am so glad that I did that, That one event changed so many lives.
I argued, cribbed and fought over many traditions but in the end we found a middle ground and agreed upon. I am a mother now and I see the same struggle in my own life with my sons. It is such a difficult path and no-one can suggest you anything. Parenting is just made for you and you have to learn to deal with consequences of decisions you took.
Going through the discussion of a daughters marriage what parents imagine and think, no-one else can feel. We wish the best for our kids. but do we really know what is the best for them? We come from two different generations and yes the "best" changes every five years I think. I surely know for fact what was best or important for me 20 years ago that doesn't hold any value anymore. How can we expect our kids who are a world apart from us to expect that best? But here we are, as grown ups we have seen so many ups and downs in life and we learn from them. We want to save our children from that hardship what we went through, want to give them the "ready-made" solution we learned with difficulties. We want them to get the outcome of our experience and knowledge. We so wish we knew 20 years ago the stuff we know now. We would have made different choices and would have led different life, but those decision and hardship made us what we are today.
Thats what I told my friend, we just need to let go, let our kids grow and just trust our parenting skills and keep our fingers crossed and hope that things will turnout the best in the end. We just need to stand next to them, let them know we love them and no matter we will value and appreciate their way of life. what if they are not living our dream they need to live their own.
For my story I know there are some things worth fighting for. I know for sure that we need to endure some pain so get something beautiful like this.
For my story I know there are some things worth fighting for. I know for sure that we need to endure some pain so get something beautiful like this.
Yes, Jaya. Wht you say is so true. I had kept rules for myself. Like 'look but don't touch'. And when i told my parents that I didn't want to get married, my mom freaked out! What would people say? And its bad luck etc etc. And so i chose the safe path. I have never hidden this feom my children. Or how well aware i was that i could have random sex, if that's what i wanted or needed, I could have kids wirhout getting married and no one would even lift an eywbrow ( Denmark - 1980's). Or I could even have a co-habitation relationship and see how it all goes.
ReplyDeleteAt the end if the day - I thought I had the answers. Be open, let them know where you stand and they will make the same decisions as you! How wrong i was. I am 30 plus years behind. I trained and taught them to be independent and fearless. Told them that if your heart dicates that this is right for you, then don't lwt wven my opinions and anger stop you. All soooo beautiful in theory. When it really happened - I shouted, screamed nd became a she-devil, much to my own horror.
I hope, in. Few years time we can laugh about it, right now, though - it's her time. Her happiness, her love that truly matters. And I find, that seeing her smile makes me feel whole again. And i take a new vow to myself - I lwt those wings grow and took pride in them and will continue to take pride in what I have helped shape and as I let go, I will make sure that the neat will be waiting whenever she is ready or needs it. My heart will always be open - to him and to her. My job is to make it easier for their love to florish. Even if I have to step away from them. Thank you for this eye opener.
I do think in same way ...we should try to develop their mind ...there horizon... perspective so that they can decide the best for them .
ReplyDeleteAs much I agree and believe and lived thru my life like that for ALL kinds of relationships (I am father to a smart and well educated PhD daughter I am proud as any parent would be) like to let go any adult to do what they deem fit for themselves to do - I have been recently given other side by a good well educated and successful nice person and friend of mine - that even sometimes adults and mature people also need to be given or shaken up to see other side! Its so recent and did not get much time to further think on this but certainly a quick view emerged for me is that is the way I try to be coming out of not taking responsibility or not wanting to be looking bad to that person whom you suggest to take certain route in life and so on......need some more thinking I guess - will be back if new things come up in my mind on this!
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