Are we just talking ???

This morning I woke up with a thought.. not with a thought actually my mind was clogged like anything and only way to clear it up is writing..Its been long since I last posted, so many things were going on at home, work, school and life.. and then many more things happened which steered the thought process in other direction.

Its strange how one can impact you so much.

Where to begin.. It might be just a random post, a rambling. Hopefully my thoughts will be clearer soon. But today you and I will have to deal with this fogginess.

The Newtown shooting shook the whole nation; I may have reacted differently than you. I turned my TV off; I just listen to NPR and some online news. Dint know why but I didn’t want to “see” just listen. Read so many facebook updates and posts saying stay around you kid, hug them, do this and do that.. But nothing of that sort happened in my home. Anand didn’t know till Saturday afternoon, his brother’s CNN addiction was the culprit. I wasn’t home and he told Anand about it. Apparently Anand didn’t say/ask anything.

Ajey and I talked on Saturday about it. He is 15 going on 30, my liberal thinker has his own opinion that If we support guns we are paving for many more tragedies. I wanted to ask/talk more but my son said that he was fine and felt sorry for the families. He was so sure that it will be talked about for few days and people will move on. They will spend money on candles and flowers but do nothing…

I knew Ashish will not wipe my tears on this matter either.

So with three different kinds of men in my home nothing different happened. No hugging, no crying, no spending time with kids or keeping them closed to heart of that sort. Nothing unusual.. Nothing new..I cooked for them the way I do and life moved on.

Then I got an email form school on Sunday that they will talk to kids on Monday about it. Anand’s principal has niece and nephews in SandyBrook Elementary.

I wrote his teacher back that I am not sure how much Anand knows.

Next day when he came home, we drove to Speech session. That 20 minutes ride is our Monday school talk time.

I asked him about the talk. He didn’t have much to say. I kept on asking and I got little bit on information. On the way back home he was quiet and then suddenly asked 

why would anyone do that?

What Anand?

Kill those kids?

And for a second the talker mom had no answer.. I just said -nno one knows honey.. They are looking for answers..

But really… are we looking for answer or we already know them? And trying to ignore and not finding the solution… ??

I think its enough for today.. some more later..

Do we run away from reality some times?

Right now I should be hitting the bed, had a pretty long day and then my class. I should be fast asleep with that Tylenol PM (damn those fancy shoes I wore.. Who asked me to work on looking good, I should just give up on that front) But here I am fighting with myself.

I heard the same thing last Friday; I was in a musical gathering, just me. It was like my time, no kids no husband. I was with people I love and they loved me with what and who I am.

So someone said to me.. You look happy, you are too good today. (

People who know me know that I am a people person. If I am out and doing what I love to do, I am a totally different person.

Today I was one of those days. Spent the whole day in Boston for Women’s conference. I was happy and enjoyed every bit of it. I have been going there for few years and come back happier than last year. It was a fabulous day, came home had something to eat and left for the class. Got back home and spend some times with the boys. We talked about their classes and school and homework. Anand said he had the fun dinner (boys have this tradition – when mom is not home they drink soda with dinner.. I cook for them before I go anywhere.. Most of the time their favorite meal)

All of sudden he said he missed me and asked me if I did miss him.  Right at that moment I was taken aback. Never thought I had to answer this question. I am a mom first, I did think of them when it was time for their bus to come or dinner time..But it is not missing them, right? I didn’t know how to explain it to him all I said yes, I did miss you.. But was thinking if it was missing or thinking about them? I didn’t feel like rushing back home whole day but was happy coming back home that I had a day just for myself and was ready to be a wife and mom.

Not sure if It makes sense to anyone but some times nothing in life makes sense, right?

It will all turn out good in the end.

Today I think I just needed to hear that.

 It was one of those days when I feel like I could do more, whatever I do, will always regret if I could do something better for my kids. Its never enough.. Whatever you do you are not happy. This day when I feel like parenting makes you most unsatisfied person on earth.

There is a mom part in me, which is asking for more every time, the other part battles and tells me count your blessing lady and be happy with what you got. Crazy stuff…huh. I wish I had a one on one talk with my mom before I decided to have kids. She would have given me some insight.. Anyway.. So when I picked up the phone I never knew that our conversation would turn that way. A crabby mom just poured her heart out to another mom and what I got was a very balance perspective on parenting.  Some times it feels good when someone can give you an ear without judging. I don’t think I could talk to many people that way on an average day but as I said it was one of those days and she was one of the role model person.. She just said that everything turns out to be good and yes another thing – you kids should know that you believe in them, you trust them.

This is my take for life.. I know it will be hard, my boys got a very short tempered and impatient mom but I will try.. Does it sound like a New Year resolution?

Here comes Anand's own blog :)

A fun and torture weekend for Anand?

Thanksgiving weekend is all about food and shopping fun for everyone.For us it was lot more than food and shopping. Wednesday was a Nutcracker fun day. Anand absolutely loved it and want to go again. But getting him ready was a ride. From my boss to my bonus money and company wants to do it and what not.. but finally it all ended great. He came back home happy.

It always has been my way of pushing him for things every other kid would do. Sometimes it does back fire and I feel bad about it but these are the occasions when I feel I am doing OK.. I do need to take my chances and see how it goes.

The next day I pushed another button – Take Anand to a wedding, an Indian Wedding. I didn’t want him to miss on something special than our everyday life.

I went there first and noticed that it will be over crowded for him. There were around 400 guests. But I still wanted him to be there.. when Anand came with Ashish and AJ  it was obvious he was done with the place within minutes, . He wanted food. Off course that was the biggest catch for my growing boys. Thank goodness for the waitress she could get a piece of Pizza for him and he was happy.

then bride came in Palanquin, Everyone was clapping and having fun and it was sensory overload for him so I settled him in another area ( next to the wedding place) with my iPhone ( Steve Job, I love you even more). It was heart breaking that my son was sitting alone somehwere.. The wedding ceremony lasted for an hour and he spend that hour with Mario. Three of us could be part of Ami’s big day and Anand spend his time in next room.. But later I thought atleast he was there and enjoyed the grand dinner with all of us. As of now I feel good about it that atleast . He didn’t enjoy as much I did but atleast we could stay the whole 2+ hours.. and that is HUGE..

So I will keep pushing him, worry about what will happen next but still keep taking (dragging???) him everywhere…

Money really matters.

This thanksgiving I think I have one very good reason to be thankful for – my job..

The way I am promising money to Anand I better have my job..

I wrote about my bribe for The Nutcracker Show.. Today one of my friend mentioned that the cinema halls will be empty why not go to movie.. We decided in a spur of a moment. So when I asked everyone about movie "life of Pi"– Anand’s first response was NO – as we knew it. But I decided to play my trick.. I asked how if I buy you the game you wanted. I promised you my bonus money but I get bonus in March.. So lets go to movie and I will buy you the game on Black Friday sale. Poor kid, he just had no choice.. Ok mom, I will come BUT will not watch the previews..

He doesn’t like the MGM lion’s roars. And we don’t know if they have any MGM previews. I knew it was a no win fight so we agreed that he will be out of the door and will come in when the movie begins. 

Ashish and I have decided not to use money for house chores. We have decided that house chores are everyone’s responsibility and we share it so no one gets paid to do stuff around the house. But I discovered that bribing of these kind are not a sign of bad parenting :)

Ashish just joked that I will go bankrupt soon.

So finally within 30 minutes we all were on our way to the Cinema Hall. It was quite, perfect for us.

Ashish and Ajey went and took the seat and Anand and I decided to walk around. We saw few posters and talked about the movie. I didn’t knew much either but gave him an idea that movie is about a kid and a tiger from India.

Finally we went in when movie began. I was just happy that he was sitting next to me and watching. He had to keep his hands to his ears many times but he did watch the whole movie.  It feels great that we could watch a movie without any meltdown or fight. Thank goodness for the video game..
It felt great, gave a sense of normallcy to watch the movie with him. Felt great that he had another experience today and he is growing up..

I will sure buy him a game soon but now I am thinking.. I should just delay one day and give a try for Sky Fall.. What do you say?

The power of Music and Dance -

When I got an email about complimentary tickets for Nutcracker dress rehearsal last month, I wondered how would it go. I always believed in giving my kids every experience atleast once, they can choose after that if they like it or not. Ajey was excited and Ashish was skeptical.

Last week finally I told Anand that we are going to see Nutcracker and company gave me the tickets and if we don’t go and behave well I will loose my bonus. ( I am so glad my boss doesnt know about my blog) I promised that I will give him a share of my bonus.. Mind that - this kid has no idea what Nut Cracker is all about. I just explained that it’s a musical show. Thank goodness for money, he agreed.

Everyday we talked about how important the good behavior is when you meet people mom and dad work with, why we need to wear the good clothes or cannot shout or scream. I tried my best to prepare him but was worried how will all this work out.

Finally the day was here.. Last night we sat and talked. All he cared about my bonus money and what will he buy with that. Whatever works was my mantra..

This morning we all got ready, I gave him a button down shirt ( he doesnt like it) and he did wear it. We left home and I read the synopsis on the way. We talked little bit about it, I wasn’t sure how much he got out of it.

We reached there and I was relieved that it wasn’t a busy place. It was a dress rehearsal and reception just for State Street families. Tons of cookies and cake, he was happy. He met everyone nicely, talked and behaved very well.

Then he found his friend Bear and Mouse.. For a change my son asked for a picture.. And then we went in for the show. We got the front row- awesome, perfect volume – wonderful.. The show began and my son was in some other world. I enjoyed watching him more than the show. I checked couple of times he was just ecstatic. Ajey and Anand both are musical kids. I was sure Ajey will enjoy it but was worried about Anand. During break he couldn’t stop smiling. He watched the whole show without asking anything. I agree those dancers were great but if they could make my son sit and watch and enjoy… they were incredible.

The ride back home he was very quiet, didn’t say much. I cannot wait for morning to talk to him about it. I am so happy. I am glad I tried and my baby surprised me again.

And Credit Goes to Santa -

We have been trying to teach Anand about money and expenses. He always thinks that buying stuff and eating out is a norm. Ajey & Anand don’t ask for too many things but when they want it has to be the best. So we have been talking about how we cannot buy everything he wants. His first question always is how much money you have?

So last month we decided, we would give him $5 as allowance every Friday.

He has been meaning to get Xbox controller for Wii and a game. So we thought it’s a good motivation. The deal is - be good, do your chores and you will get allowance (not paid for chores) every week. So when we remind him and if he is in good mood dishwasher is loaded, shoe rack is clean and clothes are in hanger not on floor.

  So far he has $25 saved. This weekend he tried one of friend’s controllers and he couldn’t save the game. My intelligent husband steps in and somehow convinced Anand that it’s not worth the money to buy this controller if he cannot save the game. That night When Ashish came to bed he was all smiling that we wont have to spend that $110 on controller and game. Anand agrees to buy a Wii game. What Ashish didn’t know that our son is not gonna “sleep on” that idea. He must be awake and thinking about all the options (offcourse mom’s genes will kick in somewhere :))He plays on his iPad every morning waiting for his van. That morning my son used his time so effectively and did his research. . Damn Google -my husband is just not happy with you. When Ashish walks in home from work last night Anand goes to dad and says guess what all we need is just the memory card with controllers and it will work dad.. Dad says but we don’t have that much money you will have to save till April and here comes the reply.. You don’t worry, just get me the game and controller and I will ask Santa to get me the memory card.. Oh well. We, parents love Santa, Don’t we ? he gets the credit for what we do :)..

What makes us a “mom” - a “Special Mom”

Being a parent is the most challenging job in any case, so I will not say that we are doing anything special, Its just with our children we become Special Mom.

The last week was a roller coaster ride, with Diwali, busy work, school work and meeting special moms.. I had so much to write but the thought process could not come down to paper.

Everyday had a new episode of joy, fun, sadness, worries and again satisfaction.

I heard that I was the greatest cook, best mom to worst mom ever in complimentary form. There are days when I feel I cannot do it anymore, someone holds my hand and makes me feel special.

A gentle hug from Ajey when I couldn’t stop my tears saying Its ok Mom.. A nice cup of tea from Ashish (he hates making my special Tea, too much work he says) and one of those moment when I get a compliment from Anand that I am the best mom makes me feel special. It’s a beautiful Sunday morning; Anand raving about his new wimpy kid book makes me happy. He is a happy kid today and I wish it could stay the same ..

Why does it sound like Autumn???

Today I went to get a book from Amy W. When I was about to leave Anand was ready to go with me. These days I do take him wherever I can. I feel that more he goes out and sees things more he will learn.. His trip was great, he came back extremely happy. It was one of those house where he felt he was home.. Thanks Amy, You have a fan in town..

On my way back we were talking about various things, all of sudden he asked why did you go to that house. I told him about the book I wanted. Next question what is the book about and I explained it’s about Autism. There were times when I tried to explain to him about Autism but it never made sense to him. I thought today is the time, Its just both of us on the road. So I asked him do you know you have Autism? Do you know what it is.. I had to choose my words very carefully. At the same time I didn’t know how to explain and what to say but I had to give it a shot. I tried to explain how 4 th grade was hard for him, How things don’t make sense to him sometimes, how loud noise bothers him, how he watches same things over and over again. He suddenly said like I am obsessed with candy corns? It was hard for me to explain how the obsession with candy corn is different than the obsession I was talking about. Then we talked about how he gets angry and shouts and argues. And here comes the reply Oh so Ajey also has Autism? And you too mom.. You argue with Ajey ( anyone who has a 15 years old at home will know about those arguments).. At that time I just couldn’t say anything except smile ..oh yes, honey you are right.. I think I do have Autism.. Guess he is not yet ready to know the details.. we both were quiet then.. After a long silence he says why does Autism sound like Autumn mom??? I wish I could answer that but my heart aches even thinking about it. We all love Autumn here but it was a dreading season in India. Nothing to love about autumn it was just a resemblance of end of liveliness.  Really??? That’s what Autism is???? End of liveliness???

Vote for Romney, he is so funny …Jon Stewart says so

CNN always has been the integral part of our life and for last couple of months it has taken over any time Ashish and Ajey have.. I never liked politician, politics and Anand preferred his lego, quiet basement and video game over news.

Last night we were planning our day. Kids had no school, Ashish took a day off and I had to go to Boston for training so we were talking how would I fit my voting in our schedule. All of sudden Anand said - mom, you vote for Romney. We couldn’t believe our ears. Two days ago only I explained him the election and his simple question was we already have a president why do we need the election.. I told him whatever I could and not even sure how much he got out of it. So all of sudden when he mentioned Romney (you can imagine the reaction from Ajey.. my hard core Obama all the way fan) we were like where did you get that? Then he explained to me why he thought Romney was funny BECAUSE Jon Stewart makes fun of him, laughs at him and shows funny pictures of Romney.

I don’t know what will be the outcome of election but for Anand it was all about jokes and fun. I am just glad that we can have some CNN-Analysis less time at home and Anand can think of something else than Bill Maher, Jon Stewart and Colbert..But if Romney wins Anand will always think people voted for him because he is a joke???

Celebrating “you are the best cook ever”..

When you have kids on spectrum, routine and structure is the only choice you have. They want to go to same place, eat the same food. You can say everything should be predictable. That is one of the hardest things my family and I struggle with. I like to try everything, food, place or anything fun. It’s my philosophy that change will keep you happy and entertained. Well, I needed an updated version of this philosophy and include "sameness" in life. I have always been creative when it comes to cooking and poor my guys, they tolerated and learnt over the years that they have no way around it. So as long as I have some fish, plain rice, chhole, dal, roti, pasta, noodles and few other variations Anand is happy.

When I have to go out and leave the boys home “meat sauce” and chhole-roti or fish roti is my safest bet.

Thursday is my school night so I left home with hot fish on pan. When I get back he was already in bed asleep. He is dad’s son every morning, But Ashish needed some extra sleep so I took over the morning job. When I went to wake him up, I was expecting the question - where is dad ? But what I got was- mom you are the best cook ever. I thought he must have been dreaming about something but apparently the fish was very good. Here I am thinking of the whole process, I didn’t have time to cook tomatoes for curry so I used the spicy pasta sauce for base.. and my son LOVED it..

Well if I can feed him fish curry made in pasta sauce and get the compliment, hell yah I don’t care what the food critics say ..I am the “bestest” cook ever..

Counting My Blessings..

It took me whole day to decide how would I write about it.. I knew very well that words couldn’t do justice with my emotions. But finally I decided I had  to, as I know I will never find the correct words for the stage I am in..

Yesterday I posted about loosing the friendship and then I got this email. I consider myself a strong woman but these words made me cry and I get teary eyes even now thinking about it.

Aunty,

He didn't lose a friend; he gained more understanding from a friend. He is always our friend and always welcome in our home. :)

I was upset that day only because he hurt my grandma, but now I realize that he couldn't control his anger, he will always be my friend.

-

WE ALL LOVE ANAND THE SAME AS BEFORE.... NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT.. :) Please do bring him home whenever possible.... we will visit him too...:) – Auntie

These girls amazed me; they made me realize that there is something called friendship, affection beyond boundaries and label. I am touched and proud.

The girls are 9 and 11. They blew me away with their compassion. I just cannot express how blessed I feel as of now. This makes me very hopeful that all our kids will always have friends …

Mouring - The Loss of a Friendship

The stormy Monday brought back few memories… We were home but very bored. When you CANNOT go anywhere that is the time you feel like going somewhere.. So we were talking about what to do whom to call and can we go to someone’s house.. All of Sudden Andy says nobody invites me to their homes. I didn’t know what to say and how to react so I just said It is not one of those days.. Not safe out there, why don’t you play with Legos.. And off he went to the basement..

It got me thinking.. After the last episode in one of our friend’s house I am afraid. Don’t know what will trigger his anger and how will he react. Suddenly I felt so sad and overwhelmed with the feeling that my son has lost all of his typical friends over the years. I remembered how my friend’s daughter asked her mom “how could he do that” how could he fight, shove and kick grandma. Those teary eyes had only one question how could he? Her mom explained whatever she could. But at the same time I knew Andy lost his friend and the worst part it he doesnt even know it, He doesnt know that he will never be the same for them, They will always remember what he did that day... Those two girls were his favorite and he always looked forward to see them and go to their home but not anymore.. I don’t know that day what did I cry for.. His behavior (which I know he has no logic or control over it) or him losing a friend..

Memories – How difficult they could be

It was a difficult question or rather I say risky question..

When I said “ Anand will you come with us to JFK to drop AJ?”

I didn’t know and couldn’t imagine what will be the chain of incidents. I wanted to give it a try and was willing to take the risk but with a fear in my heart – what will happen next?

JFK is Anand’s previous elementary school; He was there till half of forth grade and then moved to language-based classroom in another school. My older son was in JFK and we loved everyone there… A great school and the very best teachers.. So when I learnt that they need volunteers for their Saturday fundraiser AJ obviously wanted to be part of it. For years we were in that school everyday and all of sudden that school was not part of our life anymore.. Anand had tough year in 4 grade, few kids were mean to him and we all were coming in terms with Anand not belonging there So we all welcomed the change of school.  

This morning AJ was ready to go and I thought I should ask Anand, thought he might want to go.. He comes to me and says Yes, But if I see “M”, ‘J” & “S” I will punch them for bullying me in 4 th grade.

I was just shocked and didn’t know what to say. It was not the reaction I was expecting and didn’t even know he remembers all that.. (Whom I was kidding, he remembers everything)

Finally Dad and I talked to him and somehow we could convince him (really could we?) not to punch anyone in any case.

The big brother came to rescue that they may not be there anyway, they are in middle school.

Finally we went to JFK, not many people around as the event was supposed to start an hour later.

 He went running to Gym, went to his 4^Th grade classroom, men’s room and café..

Finally came out and walked around the playground. The principal came and asked him “ Hi Anand, How are you?” She asked how is his school and few more questions.

He was very happy that she remembered his name…

Finally we said bye to everyone and left for home.

He was so quiet; 5 minutes drive seemed so long. I don’t know what was he thinking but I am happy that I took him there.. Memories may be sad and bitter but at least he could experience it. The next trip may not be that difficult..

Happy Bday Dad..

After spending the whole day in Autism Consortium We both were exhausted. Emotionally I was just too tired and that caused for a celebration.. It was dad’s bday and for my boys it’s all about a dinner out. So a night before I asked Anand that if it was Dad’s bday who should choose the restaurant. If given a choice he will eat only in McD, Chipotle, five guys and Panera. We had many fights over it but thanks to Dr.A (behavior Doctor as Andy calls him) he could consider thinking about something else. He responded it should be dad’s choice but I am sure he would want the Panera. I couldn’t stop smiling and asked what if he wants to go someplace else and finally he said We will go whatever Dad wants :) That’s was a BIG deal.

On my way back home I was in different world, where Nicole Barros speech was comforting, Kate Supple speech was a rude awakening.  when we came back home and my Calendar popped for Franklin Sepac meeting in Panera.. And I was like oh lets go to Panera.

So poor dad didn’t have any choice we all went to Panera, (the Sepac team was a no show that’s another story) and had a great dinner. I cannot stop thinking how happy he was with the choice of place. But he promised the next place will be something else than Panera. He didn’t care for cake but a big cookie for dessert was enough for Dad’s B’day celebration…It was one of those sweet, sad day for me.. One of the best dinner we had in a long time... No fight for many refills of coke or many cookies ... how is that for a good happy Birthday dinner... steakhouse can wait for another lunch date.. Ashish !!! I promise..

I am not alone and today.. It breaks my heart ...

I am a mixed bag today, Hopeful, happy, sad and scared!!!

I spent the day with Ashish (By the way Happy Bday my man.. There is no way in this world I could do anything without you !!! you are my strength and everything) in Autism Consortium in Boston - reading, observing and listening whatever is going on the Neuroscience world. I didn’t understand most of it but one thing I got that things don’t seem very optimistic if we don’t act on this epidemic soon.. I met so many parents, heard couple of those and was wondering we all are in this journey for long haul. We all want the same thing, a bright future for our children. Looks like we are looking for a miracle.. I am sad thinking how many parents are going though same agony and feel helpless. But the same time I feel great to see how many people are working hard so our next generation will have some answer. I was shocked to read the stats that 90% of cancer patients sign up for clinical research but only 5% families with Autism will participate in studies !!! I wish I could knock door to door and ask all of you again , If you know someone please let them know science needs their help to find a better future for our children and grand children.

Today I write this with a sad, heavy, overwhelmed but hopeful heart that we will be successful, we have to .. No choice..No question asked..

One mom to Another..

It was one of those days when I woke up with some weird dream. I blame it to “MOM-NOS”’s blog and her description of Autism. She described really well and last night I just couldn’t stop reading and thinking. This morning I was just not me. Then got a call from one of the friend about a support group she is part of, It was supposed to be a quick call but she understood that I needed her at that time and she really made me feel better. Then I had another friend over..and all of sudden it was just a great day. I never knew these ladies but now I feel that these are the ones who really know me well. We all are from different culture, background, language and economic status but deep down we all are same. We all special moms and one thing we have in common – our children.our special children. They share my dream, they understand my fear and they know my pain.. We laughed, we shared our pain and we talked about families and kids like we have known each other for a long time.. Its just one of those days when being a mom mattered nothing else..

It could be worse...

Most of us think in that direction when we go through something difficult. We are told to believe that everything happens for a reason..

If things go wrong we are consoled that it could be worse..

One day I was talking to one of my dear friend about my experience in Children's hospital. "S" and I work in the same company and despite the BIG difference in our positions in company we share the same "PDD-NOS" in life. That makes us forget the Job and money and talk about our kids and other stuff we are going through..

So when I met "S" for a lunch. He told me about one of his junior in college died of cancer and she had a year old baby who is autistic. the way he told me I would never forget the tone of "here is the kicker..." I told him how grateful we should be that our kids are verbal and getting help, things could be worse for us and right away he says - No, It never gives me peace thinking it could be worse.. I would never take it as an answer.

It got me thinking how differently we deal with the same situation. There are days when I cry and feel and question - Why me, why only me and there are days when I feel that it could be worse. But "S" is also right, It never answers the question we have. It never consoles him and somehow the "it could be worse" never works for many of us.. 

What is Autism - What a great blog..

I have been asked many time about Anand's disability and Its always hard to answer and describe them.
I came across this blog and I don’t think I could answer any better than this.. Thanks - Mom-NOS

http://momnos.blogspot.com/2010/03/on-being-hair-dryer-kid-in-toaster.html

Patience is the virtue !!!

We grew up listening a folk story In India about a witty grandmother.
She worked very hard to please the God Finally God appeared in front of her and told her that he will fulfill ONE wish.
She was a smart woman and she had too many things to ask for, She was blind, Poor and her daughter in law couldn't have children.
Now she was thinking One wish??? and finally she asked that she wishes to see her grandson playing with golden toys.. Go figure !!!
Being a mom is all about wishes and thousands of them I think.. But at this point all I want is patience.. I day dream enough about having a perfect life. When given a chance I can have a big list of what I wish and want. But right now all I can think of is being a good mom. I think my son needs a patient mom nothing else as of now..
I am working on it.. There are times when I feel like I cannot do anymore but soon I gather myself and know all I need is all of you around me.. I am not alone not at all and yes.. all I am asking for is patience ..as of now !!!

Thankful for the friendship and love...

Its weird how one can feel blessed, thankful, sad, depressed, overwhelmed and embarrassed at the same time?

Yesterday was one of those days.. I get when Anand feels frustrated and misbehaves and gets angry. But what I saw yesterday was new to me. I am just hurt but at the same time I am amazed how lucky I am to have those people around me who still love him with all those limitation the same way they loved him the day he was born.  They forget that they are hurt and horrified.

For me it is thanksgiving when I feel thankful that they are there for me, for him and for us.

I so wish I could just go back and erase it or not let him go alone but I had never seen him like that. It was “his” home and I can totally get it what was going on in his mind but I cannot stop wondering how many will understand him but right now I am thankful that his Deepa auntie gets him..

If you know anyone in the similar situation ???

These days this is the question I ask everyone I talk to..It’s my mission to find people whom I can relate to, talk to about my son. After my recent India Trip (yes, You will hear about pretty soon) I had been thinking about many Indian parents who face the same issue when they go home .. (Well, this time I didn’t feel like home but that is the topic for another write up)  I did my Google research and couldn’t find any Indian specific group. I turned to my friend Facebook and didn’t find anything there either. I updated my status “ Looking for a support group for Indian parents of children with special needs. My 12 yr old son has diagnosis of PDD-NOS. Any reference and suggestion appreciated. If you know anyone in the same situation please let me know – Thanks.”
 I thought I would hear from many but no, I didn’t.  Later I thought what was I thinking, nobody will come out and say yes we are in the same boat. But two of my friend connected to two of their friends. I felt there is hope so I have decided to keep on asking. Then slowly I met two more families. Today I was talking to one of the dad and felt great about my effort. I am going to Boston next week to attend Autism Consortium with this hope that I might find some friends who are in similar situation..Musafir chalte jana hai..

A New Begining...

I have been a lazy writer, Started writing last year and then suddenly it just stopped. Didn’t feel like writing anything about any thing.. But Now I think I have a different approach and will do it for Anand.

Anand, I love you and will always love you.. No matter what.. Thank you Ajey, you are my strength, my inspiration and Yes a big push, Darling It's you in these lines.. I promise one of these days the food Vblog you always want, will be here too. Love you and I am very lucky mom to have you.. But you know you still stand after your dads :). Always remember today's walk and our talk...:) You dad is always the MAN with me...

Thank you Amy Weinstock, you must have said to many many moms that they are not alone in this but yesterday I felt you really said that to me and for a change I did feel that I am not alone... Everything you said made me feel better and STRONGER (including finding a group and get drunk once a while).. And Yes I will fight for my son..Thank you for everything you do for our kids..