Wednesday, July 17, 2013

13 is just a number

Many phone calls and emails on July 16th wanted one person who was turning 13 that day. That one silly, cute, handsome, goofy, funny, young man was taking it all in. I have been telling him that he is a teen now and growing big and that means more responsibilities and chores. I said, I will teach him to do the laundry now. He brother was very excited thinking his has someone to share his work and here comes the reply – mom 13 is just a number :)
Anand’s Bday is always a bitter sweet day for me. I am proud and happy to see him grow and learn new things. But at the same time I feel sad seeing him miss age appropriate milestone. I wrote – “It could be worse” but most of the time I feel why did it turn this way. Why do I have to feel this way?  Why couldn’t I just celebrate the 13th Bday with a teen with teen tantrum? All he wanted was a dinner at Taco bell. Really? That’s all? Nothing else. No cake, no party just taco’s - only from taco bell.  We took him for ice-cream but that was not in the list.
Anand went to an overnight camp. I had to bribe him with some DS games so he would atleast try the camp. He got those games last weekend, So there wasn’t any game in the Bday wish list either. How I wish he had endless wish list like a teen.
But for him 13 is just a number. For me again it’s reminder to celebrate the good I got and work on things which we can improve and move on with what we don’t have.. Thank you Anand, you are right, 13 is just a number..

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Another day of a different motherhood.

I have always said that I am not a perfect mother or wife material. My philosophy in life sometimes doesn’t match with social standard, and I am Ok with that.
With Anand going to camp a part in me was very happy. Not only just for him that he will experience something new and enjoy it. I was excited and happy for me too that I will for a change have a different routine. I thought I will not come back home from work and roam around city, watch movies or go to someplace for kids free dinner. It’s not that I haven’t done these things before. But I never was a free mom. I would go out and have fun and still in my mind I would think about them. But still sending him to camp was a ticket to a free world to me. I have been telling my older son that for these 4 days he is on his own. I am not thinking about cooking or laundry or anything. I am not sure if it is a sign of being selfish but I had this free time image in my head.
Yesterday I came back home with a little weird feeling. He was happy and having fun with the counselor, chit chatting about his game. I Got a nice good bye hug and off he went. On my way back I was not sure how I was feeling sad or happy. By the evening I couldn’t think of anything else but him.
So far I have called camp 3 times and I know he is not sad and unhappy. They didn’t call to ask me to come back and take him, that’s a good sign, right?
Now here I am thinking what is going on. I wanted this time for me but when I have it I am not able to enjoy it. Is it called motherhood? What happed to my freespirit? Why cannot just get out and not think about him constantly. I guess I do have some mother instinct. I do miss my baby and I know he is having fun. Now it’s my time to have some fun so I will a better mom when he comes back.

Monday, July 8, 2013

A different night and hope for a brighter morning..

It is a different night in Pandey household.
Anand will be 13 next week and I don’t remember him sleeping away even for a night. Kids on spectrum don’t get to experience the usual fun stuff so sleep over is nor something they would do. Few months ago when I read about Camp Havago I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do that. But mom in me wanted him to have the usual growing up experience. It has been my mission to help my son find his circle of friends. He is in such a place that finding a friend is very difficult.
So here comes the night he is off to Camp for 4 nights. I cannot believe it. It started with “I don’t want any camp” to “ I hate camps” to somehow “OK, but you will pick me up every night” to “ OK, I will try” It started with a little push - you have to do it, Doc and school want you to learn few things” to bribe ( I will buy to a 3 DS) to OK you should give it a try. I have to give credit to his behavior therapist Doc A too. He was instrumental in explaining Anand how important the camp life is. How much fun it could be.
So finally we went to the open house and it changed everything. My son has a way to steal the heart. Those counselors are well trained and Anand is a charming kid. We went with a grumpy kid who went there only so he could eat out. But I brought home back a happy kid who was looking forward to the camp.
I couldn’t believe my ears when he said he will go to the camp. But he was worried how would he sleep away from home and we talked about it in bits and pieces.
So finally he is going to camp tomorrow and here we were planning and packing.
It has been a great Monday for him after few days in Maine and a movie and ice cream Monday with dad he was a happy kids. I am sure it might have hit him hard. I was trying to pack and trying to engage him and all of sudden it was just an outburst. “I don’t want to go to camp” He threw away all those ironed clothes, fought with dad and screamed and shouted. Within minutes all those stacked clothes were on floor.
I now think Ashish was right when he commented that Anand is going to a summer camp, nobody cares if the shirts are ironed or not.
So after talking and pasta dinner and ice cream dessert my son is off to bed with a calm mind and here I am thinking and wondering what the hell happened. I know he is nervous and it was just his way of saying that he is worried and nervous. I am in the same boat. I cannot wait for him to enjoy those days and have a different experience. I am looking forward to have 4 days to my self when I will have different evenings.
So here we are doing what we can to ease ourselves. Ashish watching TV, I am typing my blog and hopefully boys are sleeping.
Wonder how Autism changes world and its meaning to families like us.
Hopefully it will be a different morning and when he comes back on Saturday he will be happier Anand.