Are we just talking ???

This morning I woke up with a thought.. not with a thought actually my mind was clogged like anything and only way to clear it up is writing..Its been long since I last posted, so many things were going on at home, work, school and life.. and then many more things happened which steered the thought process in other direction.

Its strange how one can impact you so much.

Where to begin.. It might be just a random post, a rambling. Hopefully my thoughts will be clearer soon. But today you and I will have to deal with this fogginess.

The Newtown shooting shook the whole nation; I may have reacted differently than you. I turned my TV off; I just listen to NPR and some online news. Dint know why but I didn’t want to “see” just listen. Read so many facebook updates and posts saying stay around you kid, hug them, do this and do that.. But nothing of that sort happened in my home. Anand didn’t know till Saturday afternoon, his brother’s CNN addiction was the culprit. I wasn’t home and he told Anand about it. Apparently Anand didn’t say/ask anything.

Ajey and I talked on Saturday about it. He is 15 going on 30, my liberal thinker has his own opinion that If we support guns we are paving for many more tragedies. I wanted to ask/talk more but my son said that he was fine and felt sorry for the families. He was so sure that it will be talked about for few days and people will move on. They will spend money on candles and flowers but do nothing…

I knew Ashish will not wipe my tears on this matter either.

So with three different kinds of men in my home nothing different happened. No hugging, no crying, no spending time with kids or keeping them closed to heart of that sort. Nothing unusual.. Nothing new..I cooked for them the way I do and life moved on.

Then I got an email form school on Sunday that they will talk to kids on Monday about it. Anand’s principal has niece and nephews in SandyBrook Elementary.

I wrote his teacher back that I am not sure how much Anand knows.

Next day when he came home, we drove to Speech session. That 20 minutes ride is our Monday school talk time.

I asked him about the talk. He didn’t have much to say. I kept on asking and I got little bit on information. On the way back home he was quiet and then suddenly asked 

why would anyone do that?

What Anand?

Kill those kids?

And for a second the talker mom had no answer.. I just said -nno one knows honey.. They are looking for answers..

But really… are we looking for answer or we already know them? And trying to ignore and not finding the solution… ??

I think its enough for today.. some more later..

Do we run away from reality some times?

Right now I should be hitting the bed, had a pretty long day and then my class. I should be fast asleep with that Tylenol PM (damn those fancy shoes I wore.. Who asked me to work on looking good, I should just give up on that front) But here I am fighting with myself.

I heard the same thing last Friday; I was in a musical gathering, just me. It was like my time, no kids no husband. I was with people I love and they loved me with what and who I am.

So someone said to me.. You look happy, you are too good today. (

People who know me know that I am a people person. If I am out and doing what I love to do, I am a totally different person.

Today I was one of those days. Spent the whole day in Boston for Women’s conference. I was happy and enjoyed every bit of it. I have been going there for few years and come back happier than last year. It was a fabulous day, came home had something to eat and left for the class. Got back home and spend some times with the boys. We talked about their classes and school and homework. Anand said he had the fun dinner (boys have this tradition – when mom is not home they drink soda with dinner.. I cook for them before I go anywhere.. Most of the time their favorite meal)

All of sudden he said he missed me and asked me if I did miss him.  Right at that moment I was taken aback. Never thought I had to answer this question. I am a mom first, I did think of them when it was time for their bus to come or dinner time..But it is not missing them, right? I didn’t know how to explain it to him all I said yes, I did miss you.. But was thinking if it was missing or thinking about them? I didn’t feel like rushing back home whole day but was happy coming back home that I had a day just for myself and was ready to be a wife and mom.

Not sure if It makes sense to anyone but some times nothing in life makes sense, right?