This shall pass दिल था कि फिर बहल गया जाँ थी कि फिर सँभल गई

Day 27/28/29 April 8 /9/10 ( Wed/Thu/Friday)

Tuesday was one of THOSE days, I was not a happy woman and wrote about it. Posted on Wednesday morning because I needed to be honest. Got this text -

“I have been noticing a change in your thoughts for the last few blogs. Hang in there. Sometimes trying to connect with many people and being cheerful and positive all the time can be exhausting. 

Maybe unplug for one day and just work , spend time with family and watch some feel good TV. See if helps. Love you!  But before you unplug from us let us know :) so that we don’t start freaking out and show up at your door to harass you. 😄”

And this made me realize how lucky I am. There is enough love to motivate you and even if you let go of something there is some more to add in your life. Not to replace something or someone but to fill some other “missings” in life.  May be some day we will learn the meaning of “keeping” and “letting go”

I didn’t follow her advise completely but to some extent. I didn’t stop connecting but admitted that I cannot be positive and cheerful all the time. But decided to make someone else’s day brighter.

Wednesday I connected my mother to two of her highschool friends over video chat. I cannot explain the chaos, laughter, conversations and happiness. All 3 of them were so happy. I was literally the “third” actually the 4th wheel in the conversation. The call was adorable in many ways. Eager to introduce the family, daughters in law and grandkids, eager to ask so many questions and cherishing the memories, wishing to know more about the rest of the families, trying to contain the excitement and talking about their friendship from about 55-60 yrs ago. Those grandkids were so excited to see their grandmother’s friends. The smile on those 3 “grandma’s” was my rewards, 3 women in their 70s were back to their high school days. I found mom’s friends a few years ago and they have been chatting on the phone one on one all along. But “seeing” and being on one screen made such a difference.

I also brought my highschool friends on Zoom that day. 15 of us.  It was so much fun for various reasons. We all were trying to recognize, remember and relate. Many of us “saw” each other after may be 30+ years, we have all changed in shape and sizes and aged but  didn’t let it come between us. We were all teens for that hour, laughing and joking. SO many emotions in one.

In one day I witnessed two high school reunions. Two generations living two different lives but the the reaction was exactly the same. We all have grown kids now, some day we will introduce our grandkids in the same manner.

Wednesday night I went to bed with mixed emotions. Tuesday wasn’t still out of my system and I couldn’t shut my mind anymore.

Thursday was my day to let it loose. I did what I usually do on any given day but had to admit that I was drained. Decided to skip one important call. Ashish sure knows to handle his complicated woman, a fabulous dinner and a good drink was served and a good cry did help.  

Friday started on a different note. Boys had to work on Friday, I was the only one with a holiday so I could sleep in late. I did plan a big family call for my dad’s aunt (Kaki). She is in her 90s. Having a zoom call with family  was so fulfilling. She could see four generations on one screen. Such an amazing day in so many ways. So many kids and grandkids helped navigate zoom for many of those on screen. I so wish I had taken many pictures. I was so busy navigating and prompting the conversation. Many of them haven’t met each other, only heard of each other, today we all got connected. With all those technical difficulties , dinner time, young kids and background News, dropping and rejoining the call -the end result was amazing. It will remain the highlight of my social distancing days.

A gift from a cousin and his wife. sometimes memories just make its way in your day. I was getting ready for the big family all and thought of him and had to put this saree on, he wasn't on the call but was in a way. The back of our home. 

 Mom and her friends with they families. the grandkids and DILs were introduced

The little kid asked why was I wearing a hat, 

 Finally the men met each other. I am sure all of them have heard so many stories as we did.. 

Noting is like your high school gang. happy and smiling and joking and laughing. mute/unmute, camera and no camera, roof and table during that hour we enjoyed so many mishaps but it was all fun.

and the big call, All of us taking to each other. Dadi we are so glad you could see all of us. Now next you and I will recite poetry on Zoom. She not only raised amazing daughters but took care of many more. my dad was one of them. He adores his kaki and talks very highly how brilliant she is. 

 and my amma darling smiling and enjoying. This will remain my fav pic, how cute she looks in those headphones. 

 The happy hour Friday. 

Time to bring some change? is this the time?

Day 26 Tuesday 4/7

It was a usual morning, started with some msgs, texts and usual work stuff. It was meant to be a beautiful sunny day but as morning progressed something hit me. It was just one of those mornings when frustration and disappointment took over. I was thinking I am writing everyday but is this really me? Am I being honest or am I putting on a brave face. Deep inside I am frustrated and disappointed with so many things and people. I just couldn’t get over this fact. Did the usual morning calls with family and tried to move on with my day. Hoping it would help in someway but no it did not. The feeling kept coming back. What is it? Why don’t things make sense, why someone cannot see things the way I see, why “whatever I have” doesn’t make me happy. What has changed? 

A big call from management was very positive this morning and listening to what keeps them going was really inspirational. They both talked of the bigger picture and the hope for a better world. And that’s when I realized we all think family, kids and love is enough but sometimes I think we have to see beyond us to really find a purpose in our life. A friend’s son, a kid who grew up with Ajey, started working as a first responder this week. I am so proud of him, what is driving him to go out and put himself in danger and do what he always wanted to do. 

Is this the time to find that purpose? Not to chase things which are not meaningful? Let go of things which are not meant for you or find what makes you happy, not drains you. Should you let those dreams slide which keep you awake at night?

Today I decided to listen to some podcasts , Jagjit Singh wasn’t helping. Read  something really interesting in a column of a newspaper that explained the dynamics of  relationship of being under one roof in this condition.“ You are never prepared to be in this situation. I think this is the time to pay attention to whatever is around you, who is there for you in your time of need and acknowledge and feel grateful and also pay attention to what you have been chasing so far. Is it really worth it? I think we all need a different perspective in life in these unprecedented times . I wish that we all find that drive in our lives to keep us going. Someone said “tough times don’t last, but tough people do.” Let us hope we come out stronger and wiser. But for now I am not sure if I can keep writing. This might be my last post or might be  a new beginning.. who knows. The sun tomorrow might bring some sunshine, till then stay happy, stay healthy and keep walking. 

इतने हिस्सों में बट गया हूँ मैं

मेरे हिस्से में कुछ बचा ही नहीं

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures. Sun was still out but I was ready for my fire, food and drink. I love boys for not asking question and doing what the queen demands.

 glimpses of my walk. the sign of spring.

and the pink moon of 2020. It wasn't my usual walk time but needed some quiet time with moon :) a beautiful walk was much needed after that dinner with fire .

Where are we going? ज़िन्दगी यूँ ही गुज़र गई

Day 24 Sunday 4/5 and Day 25 Monday 4/6

What should you do when things are not going right, not only for you but for everyone. You hear stories from everyone - worried about their family, thinking about elderly parents, staying far from loved ones, cooking and cleaning taking the life out of you, staying home driving you crazy or seeing news is depressing and you are getting angry at all the leaders. We all are experiencing the same - What do you do?
 As a group, a circle of friends we find a solution, we hold on to the goodness around us and believe in that. In spite of everything bad happening around us there is still hope in the world. Some of us decided to cheer each other up,  gratitude is the best thing and what is a better time than this? Grateful to have wonderful people in my life. You take out the gift of a friend and she wears another gift and the other one follows suit, and before you know it you are on a video chat talking about 100s of things, sharing our worries. You end the weekend hoping for a better week, knowing very well that it might not get any better. So we needed strength from each other and that’s what a saree and chai with girlfriends does for me - bring it on..Life.. bring it on. 
Monday was very sad with news flashing, (I don’t think I can ignore it anymore) that ten thousand people had died just like that and there is no end in sight. I can write about the stupidity of people from top downwards but that’s not going to solve anything.
Work kept me busy and I am grateful for that, but I couldn’t stop wondering about the future. Needed something different so I did what I am good at, what makes me happy. Connected Papa and his two sisters on a video group chat. Highlight of my day. All 3 of them were so happy, I don’t even remember when were they together last but today they were seeing each other virtually. I will go to bed keeping that image in my eyes. I am sure they all went to bed smiling. I am sad that I didn’t do this sooner. This difficult time is teaching us a lesson, to take it slow and value what is important.
The day ended with some wonderful conversations. I am so lucky that I have friends who enrich my life with their passion, knowledge, art and brilliance.

 A gift from a dear friend, wrapped in love. Made my day.

From my walk, a sign of spring, much needed. 

 Signboards- on the side of the road.

Lunch - Minced chicken with peas and mushroom

Family time with Zoom.

 And this will remain my fav photo of all the video chat I have been doing all these day. Papa with his sisters. 

Your wish is my command.

Day 22 Friday 4/3  and Day 23 4/4 Saturday

It’s been 4 weeks of being home and when I think about it, it feels like an impossible thing to do. I do claim and believe that I am doing OK, much better than I thought I would but today husband pointed out that I am not accepting the fact that I am not sleeping well. May be.. I wasn’t a good sleeper anyway but it’s been a little worse. I find myself awake at 2-3 AM and have trouble going back to sleep for another hour or may be 2 then fall back asleep.
Sometimes I wonder if someone else is awake at the same time. You know like the saying -3 AM buddy. So other than this sleep issue we are doing OK. We are surviving not having a cleaning lady and cooking is still my passion. Actually life is not very much different for the 3 of us. Work is keeping us busy Monday to Friday. It’s Anand who hasn’t any structure  in his days and for me no outside activities on calendar. My social calendar is still busy, may be more than before. Thank goodness for Zoom, FaceTime and google hangout.
As I mentioned I am working on keeping  away from news all day long. But still worries pop in. What’s next is the question on all our minds and it shows in everything we do.
Friday I had fun introducing Zoom to my highschool friends. So many of us are so different yet we share the same roots. It’s funny that’s how the conversation started, worried for each other. Checking up on each other rather than talking about our life, kids and husbands.  Life is so unpredictable. I could never have imagined talking to each other on Zoom.
Saturday began as another weekend, just the way Ashish likes it. No agenda, no todo list, no social engagement.  The lunch from yesterday was our breakfast today. Usual India calls with family and friends. An awesome lunch of Dal Dosa (adai),sambhar and Chutney and then an afternoon nap. Such a luxury.
When I woke up I was just not happy that things were just so dull. Decided to make it a little fun. A family drove to get another lot of books for their kids. The books were in the car trunk for more than 3 weeks so safe to carry. The parking lot chat from distance are becoming the new norm now.
I made Chicken curry and roti Indian style and husband set up the dinner date. I wanted  dinner out of ordinary and it just worked out in a way I couldn’t imagine. The fire pit was put to use, wine, speakers and ghazals came out. Ajey was busy with his calls and Anand decided to watch his movie in the living room.
Ashish and I played the music we enjoyed, ate food we love with crisp wine and crisp air.
Years ago when I moved to this town I was introduced to the fire pit on a halloween evening. Sandy makes the best Jello shots, cooks and lights the fire. Parents hangout while kids go trick or treating in the neighborhood. I so love the idea and cannot thank her enough. I mean I did grow up in India and it’s so common during the winter days to have a fire and roast fresh green chana (chickpeas) in the fire but never thought of it as a date idea.
Today the men I love, one next to me in person and the other on the speakers made me forget the whole pandemic we are dealing with. For that some time I just lived in a fantasy world, where none of the suffering mattered.
Ashish admitted that he couldn’t have thought of it or planned this himself but he executed my idea with perfection.

Thats what I want to remember not 8452 deaths I had just noticed as of 8.40 PM om 4/4

The Lunch on Saturday. Saboodana khichadi

 Sunday lunch - Adai, chutney and Sambhar. Thanks to all my south Indian friends for inspiring me.

 Sometimes love and care looks like this. a friend did my shopping with hers so I could avoid one trip to BJ's #blessings in form of friends. 

and another one stitches and drops the mask 

 and the evening Saga. I think that is becoming my new normal 

Wear Blue on Autism Awareness and Acceptence day - for a better world.

This series started as a journal for my mom and sisters. everyday FaceTime and call were not enough for her I guess. My parents were concerned and distance and 24 hours news channel were not helping either So I decided to write. Lot of moms from my group reached out to me that i should keep writing for them as it was keeping them connected.

Day 20 Wednesday 4/1  and Day 21Thursday 4/2

The day seems so dark and gloomy when you hear so called leaders talk about casualty in such careless way. Biggest mistake to go to bed after listening to daily briefing announcing two painful weeks ahead and somewhere 100K to 250K people will die. It was just little too much for me to handle. I am so in disgust with the way leaders are handling this crisis. I was in such a dark place so decided to take a break from news on wednesday morning.

Thats doesn’t happen though, I tried hard but did find myself listening watching here and there. Day got better as Anand and I  tried to be kind and listen to each other. He was busy working on his home work from Mass Bay class from Tuesday. That was my highlight of the day. Boys did help me get over the feeling and stupid me went to watch some TV and succumbed to popular show - Tiger King.

I don’t know what was I thinking, watched almost 2 episodes to know it wasn’t for me, left very bitter taste in my mouth. But again the hopeless optimist in me went to bed hoping for a better tomorrow and Yes I was right. 

Today on Autism Awareness day April 2nd, World is better place not because of those leaders but the people around us. My phone msgs, facebook timeline were full of pictures of people wearing blue. Lot of people at work sent me pic and emails. My friends all over the world wore blue and tagged me in those post. So many of them wore their blue saree even in lockdown. 

We had virtual saree meet of Boston Saree Group and all 10 of them wore blue in the middle of work day to show their support, right after that the moms from my network met virtually and then some of us again met for music and poetry therapy. It was lot of Zoom time today but it ended well, tiring but very uplifting. I didn’t even lift a finger today and was served fantastic lunch and dinner. 

I am ending this day with gratitude and warmth in my heart. The statistic, data and logic may not look good good but I am sure the goodness and love in this world will survive. We can keep walking the path and hoping for the best. Just hold on to people whom you love and who love you and you will find a way to overcome everything. 

He had no idea I was taking his pic. He was busy doing his homework.

 The dinner - I so needed that "special" orange juice. Fish curry sure asked for supplement.

 A linen for this year's Autism Awareness and acceptance day.

 My day was so full of these. Zoom is our best friend right now, keeping is connected.

 Both side of the families donned blue today for Anand - love conquers all 

 Last year My sister in law raised Autism awareness in her own way. she made sure everyone in her circle not only understands but be a part of it. She shared information and stories about our life. Her friends who never met Anand or any of us, wore blue and learnt about Autism. This year they couldn't be together because of lock down but wore blue sarees in their own home and shared the pictures with her. 

Friends from my school and college days.. Nothing brings joy more than memories. They all wore blue. Thank you what's app and facebook for connecting us.

This pic shows 5 different people from 5 different walks of my life. each of them represents a very special time and part of me. I couldn't post 100s of pictures I have of people in blue but this one pic speaks volume. Please know I cant even explain what you all mean to me. Pic or no pic I know your love is my strength.