Amma really knew what was the best for her.

 #AmmaSaga Day 4

Amma was really smart; one of her abilities was finding people with the right talent and then keeping them close.

She raised 4 daughters with different strengths, and for sure, she entrusted them with specific tasks. She didn't trust me with her finances, medical matters, or religious rituals. I was her emotional and social director. She was very clear about me not handling her medical stuff.

She kept writing and updating her “will” or wish list / Dream list over the years. I was never mentioned as someone who would make decisions about her worldly affairs. She entrusted my number 2 sister  with her power of attorney. She totally handed over all her spiritual and religious matters to my number 3 sister. To think of it, maybe she died here in Raipur so Varsha can perform all the Dharma dues. My sister is the "karta." My youngest sister handled her medical matters and all the unconventional stuff.

I was her connector and listener. She trusted me with all her small stuff which was beyond her in those three big domains. She would smile and say, "I cannot burden you with all that because you live so far, and it will be hard for you to come here and do all that." But I know in my heart she absolutely didn’t mean what she said. She exactly knew I couldn’t be trusted with her religious beliefs; she knew how disastrous my medical science knowledge was. And her banking matters sure are beyond my capabilities. But she trusted me with all her love, life stories, and mental health. I was her gossip buddy, her morning and evening call, a persona to share jokes and dreams and wishes, and yes, she sure trusted me with all her sarees.

A letter to my mother - Enjoy your journey Amma

It sure was the longest flight of my life. I flew Boston to Doha to Delhi and then Raipur. I couldn't do much so I wrote about my mother. Written on the flight to Doha from Boston ( the first leg) I was hopeful that she will hang on till I arrive.

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, I am on my first flight of three to say goodbye to you, and I am thinking of so many avatars of you. It’s going to be a long travel; I am told you know I am on my way. So I am hoping you will hold on until I reach there. You have been the most patient "Muntazir" (a person who awaits) I have come across. I have heard so many times, "teri rasta dekh rahi hoon," you counted the days of my next arrival before I even left. "Ab kab aayegi re?" So here I am on the way without you even asking me that question.

But I know in your unconscious mind, you have this question - when am I coming, even with three of your daughters around you. Amma, I don’t know if I ever told you enough how much I love you. You are such a part of my existence that I am afraid of what I will do.

I know we talked about your wishes, your last rites, your sarees a hundred times, but we never talked about what I will do for your morning and goodnight calls. What will I do for the same voice messages you leave in the same tone every day? I wish I had made tons of videos of you.

Now, to think of it, I will miss your smile, the warm hugs, and the feeling of warmth. You have been my biggest cheerleader, and you didn’t leave any will or wishes to replace that place.

Amma, I know whereever you are - you are spreading joy and smiling. Stopping on the way to admire the beauty of the area and then moving forward again.

#AmmaSaga

My Sadabahar (evergreen) Amma Goodbye until we meet again.

I wrote this post on on March 29th, I was on my way to be with her, half way through my travel she left this world. She knew I was coming to say goodbye to her. It was a very sudden departure, she was admitted for shortness of  breathe on Tuesday wee hours and left this world on Thursday afternoon. 

I don’t know how to use past tense for her. I guess it will take time. Or maybe I won't be able to do it as she will always be there for me. 

She was/is one of a kind. Amma left this world as she always wished, in a quick departure. She didn’t want to be a burden on anyone. She gave everyone enough time to gather around her and say their goodbyes. It's just not fair to me - she left before I could hug her and tell her how much I love her. But then again, she always knew how much she was adored. She loved her children and grandchildren fiercely and was loved equally.

Amma has instructed us to donate her to the medical college. 

Friday, March 29th she will be at SMC Super Specialty Hospital in Raipur  until 11 AM for visitation. After that, she will be going to the medical college. At 4 PM, the symbolic last rites will be performed at Marwadi Shmashan, Buda Talab Raipur.

We love you Amma and so honored to be your children.

Amma and Her Departure Saga

 Amma was the first daughter in her large family. She was a brilliant student but was not allowed to go to medical school. We heard stories of her love for science and books from many people. She supported many students financially throughout her life. She had been a registered organ donor for a long time, but over the last few years, especially during COVID, her values and beliefs changed. She recently talked about donating her body to medical school, which was a significant step. Donating her body meant letting go of all cremation rituals, marking the beginning of the last journey in so many ways in Brahmin and Hindu culture.

Two weeks ago, while talking to her doctor, she mentioned this wish again and asked many questions about the whole process. As her condition worsened, she reminded my sister of that wish. My sister and brother-in-law moved mountains to make it happen. Yesterday, we bid farewell to Amma not in the crematorium, but in a medical college. We all gathered, told her how much we loved her, and just let her be wheeled in.

Later in the afternoon, we gathered at a local crematorium. We made a symbolic representation of Amma with coconuts and other items, wrapped the corpse in a saree, and performed all the rituals we would have otherwise done. The progressive priest found a perfect balance to honor her wishes while still following traditions. This time, people who loved her gathered there, and in such a rare occasion, all the women came to the crematorium. Many of them said they had never seen anything like it, and it was their first time witnessing the last rites. 

My Amma loved science, taught for many years, and was very progressive, and she showed this even on her last day on this earth.

How do you celebrate your village?

 My birthday celebration ended with the moms from Desi Moms Network.

I use my birthday as an opportunity to bring them together—an afternoon filled with drinks, tea, snacks, laughter, and meeting new people. As I write this post, I reminisce about that afternoon when 25 moms came together to celebrate our village. 

It was the first meeting for a few; many drove more than an hour to be there and to feel that they belong with each other. For many, it was about not feeling alone. Although many met for the first time, they felt like they had known each other for so long. Their stories and journeys are different yet the same. 

My favorite part of the day is the introduction. They were supposed to tell five things about themselves and not talk about their children. I enjoy forcing them to talk about themselves as individuals. When they do, I appreciate how others in the room find a connection. Some are from the same town in India, speak the same language, went to the same college, work in the same company, or have the same passion and interests. It's fulfilling to see them exchanging phone numbers and making promises to meet again. 

What makes it click for you? How do you initiate a conversation?

 I share my big day with a kid in the group so  get to celebrate my bday with him too. This was my morning.

How would you define your relationship with your mother?

As I grew older, I began to see my mom in a different light. I was the firstborn, a rebel, a little forward for the small town we lived in. That led to a lot of arguments with my parents. Amma was stuck between social norms and her love for her children. Once I got married and moved to Pune, Singapore, and then Boston, she saw me in a different light. Over the years, she has become my biggest admirer.

Motherhood changed my view about many things, and amma sure was at the top. I saw firsthand how difficult it is to feel solely responsible for a tiny human being you just created, and she did it four times. Over the years, we became something different to each other. I am her confidant, gossip person, mother, daughter, friend, and therapist. Her enthusiasm, childlike curiosity, willingness to go above and beyond for the people she loves, her unconditional love for her daughters and grandkids—I so wish I inherit that someday.

My amma, my love, my morning and goodnight call, and my biggest cheerleader—I love you.

 A cotton saree for a saree meet hosted by a daughter in Boston. I adore her mother, and seeing them together reminded me of how much I miss mine.

 She never looked this happy with any of us in any picture. 

Have you outgrown your friendships and friends?

 A conversation with a friend made me ponder what friendship means to us in our 30s, 40s, and now in our 50s. We got to talking after a long time, but the conversation flowed as if no time had passed. We discussed work, household, spouse and kids, then transitioned to our personal interests, which was different from our previous conversations all these years.

Admitting that sometimes we just don’t have the energy or time to invest in old friendships and relationships. We don't change as people, but our priorities do. Sometimes, going out for a beer isn't as appealing as meeting for a poetry reading. Dinners may not be as enticing, but going out to see a play or theater seems more fitting. We both agreed that finding time for real happiness is equally important. 

Reflecting on my own philosophy, I find it difficult to let go of old friends and friendships, but today I am reconsidering my stance. Is it really worth trying to keep it together, or should we let go and move on? Do what makes you happy.

I have my own perspective on this, as I feel old friends and friendships keep those times alive in our memories. It’s not just the friends, but the memories with those friends that are refreshing. We don’t just enjoy the company of friends, but also cherish the memories of who we were with them 20-30 years ago.

What is your take? In your 50s, do you still meet and connect with friends from your 20s and 30s? Do you still feel the same?

Birthday celebration with friends I met 25 years ago. They have seen me grow, dealt with my mad ideas, gone along with my crazy plans, and still want to celebrate my big day. A dinner out in a saree, a gift from my best friend from middle school. 

Gratitude Post: What Do I Wish for the Coming Year

 Growing up in a simple household, birthdays were important but kept low-key. We'd invite a few friends over, have some snacks, but there was never a cake when we were young. I think it wasn't until my college days that we discovered the connection between cake and celebration.

Mr. Husband was never keen on big celebrations; for him, it was just another day. So, it became my responsibility to make sure we celebrated both his and my birthdays. Then the kids came along, and they started making cards, bought flowers and gift means forced their dad to do so . I also made a rule: no cooking or takeout on those days; instead, we'd have a family dinner out. As time went on, friends entered the picture, and while the celebrations remained low-key, they involved a few more people. Over the years, I've had friends who celebrated me and my big day, and I'm truly grateful for them. I'm thankful for those who share my passions for music, sarees, poetry, fun, and the causes I care about.

This year was no different. The celebrations started a few days in advance: dinner out with Mr. Husband, a musical evening, dinner with the Pandey men at Ajey's home, a trip to Yard House with Mr. Husband and Anand, and attending the St. Patrick's Day parade in Boston. On my actual birthday, I drove to Quincy Beach to watch the sunrise before heading to work. It was a day of breakfast and team lunch, followed by a well-spent evening with some long-time friends. I ended the night at home, relaxing with Mr. Husband, feeling grateful as I relived the memories of all the love, hugs, kisses, gifts, and flowers.

This year, I've made a promise to take better care of my health. I want to travel more and focus on feeling, living, and eating better to become the best version of myself.

What does birthday celebration mean to you? 

A chanderi for the musical evening. 

Anand in the city. His mother wanted to see the parade and he agreed. My bday gift.

A Weekend away - Respite, Joy and building your village

 Parenting is demanding in every way, and when children have special needs, it can be all-consuming. A weekend getaway for a group of 8 mothers was not just an escape but a celebration of friendship, support, and the freedom and joy to simply be ourselves.

We all tried to leave behind the responsibilities and challenges for a weekend and ventured away from home. I am sure every one of them has done their share of preparation for days for this short trip.

A cozy retreat in Berkshire unfolded with laughter, camaraderie, and shared experiences. Life stories, hopes, disappointments, and worries were shared over long conversations with coffee, tea, and some wine about the joys and struggles of motherhood. We shared resources and offered each other unwavering support, knowing very well that judgment had no place in this group. But at the same time, we all enjoyed the simple pleasures of life, danced, sang, dressed up in sarees, and played games, and watched movies.

Away from the constant demands of appointments, therapies, and daily routines, these mothers found solace in each other's company, and we returned home with hearts full and spirits rejuvenated. The responsibilities and caregiving were still there, but with the energy and memories of the weekend, we all are better equipped to deal with whatever lay ahead.

  A linen for the Photoshoot with moms 

The view for the weekend

Who are you to your child?

 I recently hosted a workshop for Desi Moms Network, centered around financial planning for families with special needs children. Finance is already a complex subject, and when you introduce the additional complexity of special needs, it becomes even more challenging. The presenters were brilliant; however, the information presented was overwhelming. During the presentation , a mother texted me -“I think you need to be a financial planner, education advocate, and attorney when you have a special needs kid." I couldn't help but agree with her. While we have joked for years about being cooks, cleaners, drivers, and more, adding the role of a financial planner had never crossed our minds.

Next morning The ARC hosted the 46th Annual Legislative Reception at the State House. Organized by The Arc of Massachusetts (The Arc) and the Massachusetts Developmental Disabilities Council (MDDC), this year's theme was "Reaffirming Our Commitment to Those in Need."

The theme underscored the ongoing necessity of advocating for individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD) and autism who continue to be in critical need. Thousands have gone unserved or underserved for nearly four years due to the lingering effects of the coronavirus pandemic, as highlighted on the ARC's website.

I attended the event not just as a mother or a community leader but, above all, as a voice representing all the moms in the Desi Moms Network. 

How would you define your role in your child's life?

MA is the best state for families with special needs. Years ago I build  “Desi Moms Network” a community of Indian moms with special need children and have become the face and  voice of Indian families and Saree is my armor as always.  Over the years they got used to seeing me in my saree twice a year :)

A simple Orissa Ikat for a sunny beautiful morning.