"Love, Laughter, and Low-Key Celebrations - No Fuss—Just Us

 I love celebrations; they don’t have to be over the top but something to mark the occasion. I have been a no-gift, no-flower woman, which helped Mr. Husband tremendously. Now I welcome gifts and flowers, but he refuses to change.

On our first anniversary, my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and 2-year-old  niece joined us. Their anniversary falls a day before ours, so we decided to go to Mahabaleshwar, a short trip from Pune, where we lived at the time, for a double celebration.  Unfortunately our niece got an ear infection that day and cried the whole night. Mr. Husband and I sat in the next room helpless. We came back to Pune very next day. That was the beginning of anniversary celebrations for us.

 

We have had a pretty good life together celebrating in our own way but we never did anything big for our anniversaries or birthdays. For my 40th our friends hosted a small get-together. Our 25th was in the middle of Covid, as was Ashish’s 50th. For both of these, a few close friends joined us, and we ate outside in our backyard. Things were a little better for my 50th, and I had a few small celebrations with friends.

Our 30th anniversary was a completely different story. It fell on a Sunday which was also  Father’s day. On Saturday, we went out with the Desi Moms Network group for lunch, and a friend invited us for dinner. Sunday morning started with some drinks, snacks, and cake with his volleyball group for father’s day celebration. By the afternoon, we needed a nap, and when I woke up, I was too full and lazy to go out for dinner. For years, this was my rule – No cooking or homemade food on special days. I guess I am getting older. Instead of going out we got the cars cleaned, and Mr. Husband cooked. We sat on the deck for a simple dinner by him.

 

Evening was all about both of us taking turns to play our favorite ghazals from our youth for a long time. This was so much fun. 

So no dressing up, no sarees, no flowers or fancy food, we found the days joy in cleaning the cars, home cooked meal and ghazals . I guess celebration could mean reliving the memories, spending time and doing the things together.

A beautiful Banarasi for a meet for board of directors. 

“Strength in Diversity - Celebrating women's voices and stories – We the Women of South Asia

 “Strength in Diversity – We the Women of South Asia”, a truly meaningful and inspiring event. 

I was invited to speak by the team at White Feather Creations. Below is the speech I delivered that evening

कुछ दर्द थे जो समझे नहीं गए कभी,

पर हर आह में इक दुआ बनती गई।

What a fabulous evening! I am so honored to be here with all of you tonight. A big thank you to Razia and her team for making this possible. And thank you all for being here as you could have been anywhere doing things you love but you chose to be here with us. My gratitude.

I’m truly in awe of everyone in this room. Let’s give a round of applause for all the inspirational women here! I hope you learn some, connect more and find strength and move forward with more conviction  in anything you do and make this world a better place with your passion and empathy.

If I ask you to introduce yourself , where would you start? Now, what if I asked you to exclude your husband, children, and work from that—could you still describe your identity beyond those roles? Sit on that thought for now.

My name is Jaya Pandey and I am here today as a mom, a wife, an immigrant woman of color, a friend, a blogger, a community builder and a person.

Married my best friend Ashish, moved out of India, have two kids, Ajey and Anand and made Boston my home. Story of my life. I am sure it’s the same for most of you. Right?

Anand was diagnosed with Autism when he was 8. and our lives changed forever.

Years ago, I was at a crossroads. I had a wonderful village, but after my son’s Autism diagnosis, I felt the absence of a friend who could see and understand Anand’s mother in me. And then, a few came along, they didn’t look like me, didn’t speak my language but changed my life for the better. That gratitude became my guiding force.

A few years later, that feeling led me to create something which was nonexistent in the Indian community. In 2017, I started building a group for Indian moms with special needs children with an idea . Our group is not your typical support group; it's a village. As of today over 350 mothers  are working hard to provide a meaningful and enriching life to their children - Together.

A village where families with special needs children have a support system but It is important to build friendships as women, not just as mothers. Those connections become lifelong friendships, and with that came the support, family, and resources

I wanted it to be a circle of friendships beyond our roles as moms. That foundation has fostered lasting friendships and allowed us to build a circle of support.

I have a question for you: How many of you can say you have a friend who truly understands you? Someone who knows your fears, insecurities, nightmares, and dreams? If you call her your bestie, do you know what her favorite destination is, what brings her joy, does she keep you grounded, supports your vision? And can she read your mind?

Tonight, I encourage you to think about who you are as a person. Do you connect with someone as an individual or just as a mom, a wife, or a colleague?  Let it sit for 24 hours, and then make a list. Do you have an advocate, a connector, a mentor, a confidant, or a fun friend in your life?

As women we are raised to push beyond our limits. We want to be a perfect mom and wife but we rarely pause to analyze what it's costing us. We need to change the notion that rest is not laziness. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it gives your friends a chance to be a part of your life. Self care is not selfish, stopping and filling your empty cup before pouring is wisdom. You matter -not Only in these roles but as a person. 

Families are usually reluctant to talk about the hardship. Mental health conditions are considered to be a weakness and never discussed within families. Often this is kept as a well guarded secret. 

Parents worry about what others would say about them, their child, their family. As a result they  are reluctant to share, in their close social groups even among friends. The child is on medication for depression, anxiety, attention, etc is a huge deal. Parents worry that this might affect their social image in the community.

Here comes another question for you - how many of you have supported a friend who went through some loss, health scare, sickness? How many of you have supported a cause like domestic violence,  education, environment, underprivileged families, women and political philosophies.

In my perfect world I would like to see the same numbers of you supporting mental health and  disability causes. Be the friend who checks in. Be the woman who speaks up. Be the light that helps someone else find their way.

We need to bring some basic changes and be able to talk about difficult topics, we need to stop glorifying parenting so if parents are having a difficult time they should be able to voice and seek help. 

I urge you to build your village, be there for one another, pay it forward, and find joy in these connections. Find the friendships that fill your heart, have conversations to nourish your soul and be a part of the community that celebrates who you are even on the days when you are not your best.

I am endlessly grateful for my village, my family, my parents, my sisters, and the Pandey men. I get to be who I am only because of their love and support .

मैं अकेला ही चला था जानिब-ए-मंज़िल मगर,

लोग साथ आते गए और कारवाँ बनता गया।”

Thank you once again for having me here tonight.

A blue "Queen of heart By Deepa mehta" Creation

The meaning of vacation

 This is the time of year when everyone starts planning their summer vacations. Given the current political climate, we often joke that maybe we should just stay within the country and avoid venturing too far. But jokes aside, this is the season when parents start visiting, and families look forward to trips to India.

Over the last 25 years, the meaning of “vacation” has changed a lot for me personally. Growing up, vacation meant spending summer holidays at my uncle and aunt’s or grandparents’ house. Our families didn’t travel to mountains or beach towns — instead, we spent our time with cousins, playing freely without any planned activities. Mornings were filled with outdoor play, and when the heat became unbearable, we retreated indoors for card games, board games, afternoon naps, and delicious homemade meals. The evenings saw us back outside, making the most of the long summer days.

After getting married and moving to another city, vacation became synonymous with going back home for festivals. During those visits, we might go out to eat once or twice, and that was usually enough. Later, after moving abroad, going back to India became the vacation itself.
Since we move to Singapore and then united States in 90s, We have been travelling in and around.  During my trip to India in the early 2000s, we decided to explore at least one new place in India during each time. I got to see some wonderful parts of India with my children. When our kids got a little older, Mr. Husband and I began traveling without kids. We started small, weekend trips then a weeklong trip and then back again to India - Just two of us. A change from driving 100s of miles, big suitcases, kids stuff to backpacking last year Switzerland and Alaska felt like real vacation.

Writing about it today I feel that vacation means different things at different stages of life. It can be a quiet trip home, a scenic drive or just random train travel in Europe. The joy and memories we create matter the most.
It’s not about the places we visit it’s about people we are with, the time well spent and moments to cherish. And of course, the food we enjoy always tops the list!

A simple cotton Paithani for an evening with a high school friend. 

Embracing Authenticity: Wearing Sarees in the office

 When you are an immigrant, you try to adopt lifestyle, culture, and social norms of your new home. When you are new, excitement and fitting in and survival in new environment takes over everything. Have you ever felt the same way?

We don’t even realize, but slowly on the name of comfort, convenience and adopting new home we start giving up what we were used to. instead of elaborated Indian meal, We adopted sandwiches and pastas and salads as our meals. which I have no complain about appreciate the diverse meals we enjoy now.

We limit our Indian attires to some religious festival temple visits or visits to Indian friends, but from Monday to Friday, our life is all about western office wears.
when I started working, I went through the same cycle. Then started wearing saree for Diwali in the office or for some Indian events but last year I decided to break that pattern and thought I should wear Saree whenever I want to. Why should I wait for the festival?

This year, as the weather warmed up, I decided to wear Saree once a week. in the beginning people would ask if there was anything special. now they’re getting used to it. It was really interesting when in the elevator a young Indian man  commented how delighted he was to see someone wearing Saree.

Wearing a saree was never just a fashion choice for me; it was about acknowledging my identity . I don’t want to choose between belonging and being myself. I don’t HAVE to CHOOSE between A dress, or a pant and saree. I never thought that this smallest act will lead to some conversation, curiosity and appreciation.

I am enjoying this small change, hoping to continue– One saree at a time.

What We Lived, What We Want, and What Comes Next

 Some days, some conversations are so stimulating that you have to write about it. Today was one of those days. I was walking with two of the friends I have known for quite a long time. We don’t meet often, but we have been in each other’s orbit for almost 25 years. Whenever we meet, talking about India, politics, and movies is so common.

We speak different languages, we come from different backgrounds, we come from different thought processes. Respecting and appreciating each other is the biggest connection we need in friendship. I definitely respect and value them for who they are as persons.

While talking, so many things come up — our kids, our lives, our parents' lives, and our children’s lives. How we are very happy with our life, but do we really want our kids to live the same life? I am the mother of two boys, they both have daughters, and it was very interesting. While they were very happy with the way life turned out for them, they absolutely want something different and better for their daughters.

They want their daughters to have financial independence, more involved partners, and to carry less of the burden of household work. We all agreed that the kids definitely know what makes them happy, what they want in life, and they absolutely know what they don’t want in life.

We reflected on how, in our time, being from a well-off family and having a stable job were enough for parents to consider someone a suitable groom. No one really asked about values, interests, or long-term goals or what anybody wanted out of their life partner. There was no opportunity to get to know each other better or freedom to spend some time alone and ask questions. Truthfully, we didn’t even know what questions to ask back then.

Marriage meant something else for our parents. It is something for us, and it will have an entirely different meaning for our children.

A Tussar for an event — the organization I sit on the board of.

The Need to Pause and Reflect

 The past month has been incredibly difficult—marked by profound and senseless loss.

Some dear friends of ours are grieving the death of their 22-year-old son, taken in a tragic accident. In my town, another heartbreaking event: a terrible car crash claimed the life of a 5-year-old girl. Her mother is in critical condition, her brother suffered a broken leg, and the grandmother, shocked and grief-stricken, is hospitalized too.

I keep thinking about the father—who was driving when a severely drunk driver hit them. He escaped with only minor physical injuries, but I can't begin to imagine the emotional trauma he now carries.

We often try to keep going, to move forward—because grief and loss are part of life. But some losses defy reason, defy understanding. There's simply no way to explain why these things happen.

It’s graduation season. There's celebration all around. I see the joy, and I understand it—but I also think of the families navigating these devastating, life-altering events.

Some people pause and grieve alongside them. Others keep going, and that’s okay too. But for some of us, these moments hit differently. They stop us in our tracks. They demand reflection.

How do we process the darkness, the frustration, the agony?
I don’t have the answers. But I do know that sometimes, it’s okay—not just okay, but necessary—to pause. To reflect. To feel.

A purple silk for the prayer meet, Purple was his fav color. 

Little girl's memorial service. They are from a state called "Gujrat". SO many people in line to pay respect.