Live your life - Jee le apni Zindagi - 4 days of my life in San Diego.

If someone tells you - you have 4 days to do whatever you want, what will you do? 

An invite to spend a few days with a poet and his brilliant wife and I packed my bag, flew to San Diego and lived my life with food, poetry, ghazals, sand and water, ice creams, sunsets, sunrises and conversations. 

In Amrit Begam’s hospitality and Farhat sahab’s company I learnt a lot about religion, culture, history and life in India and Pakistan.

We ate a lot, drove over 200 miles to enjoy Mexican shore and food and stayed up late listening to Ghazals.

This was a totally different vacation for me. I learnt things about me, saw life with different perspectives and made some changes in my philosophy. When a poet, who is a dreamer, talks about romance and reality, lives with a person with a different attitude, how they both take turns in giving in, taking care, argue, explain, let go, support, make peace with and keep each other grounded. Marriage, life and companionship makes you find a middle ground. 

I was very fortunate to have a private concert over video call a singer from India. Listening to some of Farhat Sahab’s ghazals was just the perfect treat for my last day in San Diego.

I went for  my musical get together and decided to recite a poetry from that time. 

Listen here - https://youtu.be/Y6keeRU-2f8

सोचने की तुमको आदत हो गयी है क्या करें 

क्या करें तुमसे मुहब्बत हो गयी है क्या करें 

क्या बताएँ किस तरह कटती हैं तुम बिन ज़िंदगी 

दिल को हर धड़कन क़यामत हो गयी है क्या करें 

ख़ुशबुए कहती हैं  तुम आग़ोश में थी बस अभी 

दिल बजिद है एक मुद्दत हो गयी है क्या करें 

एक लम्हे में इधर तो दूसरे पल में उधर 

नज़्रे पागलपन तबियत हो गयी है क्या करें 

हुक्मरानी थी हमारी जात पर अपनी कभी 

अब तुम्हारी बादशाहत हो गयी है क्या करें 

वो हया के बोझ से पलकें झुकाना आप का 

दरपये दिल वो नज़ाकत हो गयी है क्या करें 

जब से उसका नाम है शहज़ाद सीने में बसा 

दिल की हर धड़कन इबादत हो गयी है क्या करें 

- Farhat Shahzad 

https://youtu.be/Y6keeRU-2f8

Things I learnt from these two #Lifelessons

a day to remember 

Begam Amrit could make me hike

The sights - A dad with a kin in the back and a dog. A lesson in parenting, wish I had seen this 25 yrs ago. It was incredible 

The Gentleman couldn't see well, he had a stick and his friend/companion was wonderful. I loved seeing them taking small step - very carefully 

and Here I was hiking in shirt and jeans 

Ocean Beach in San Diego 

somewhere in Mexico - Ocean - the sight for my soul

Valentine day post- are you a different person too? My story

 When Ajey got his first internship money I was that demanding mom who asked for a share. In my mind I was teaching him “caring”. We all went for dinner and Dad got a scotch, Anand got a game and Ajey bought Sarees for all the women in the family.

His aunts and grandmothers still remember it fondly. 

I wish I could teach the same to Anand but he makes sure his mom stays grounded. Anand started working a few months ago and since then he has decided to use his money for his “stuff” and for fun. I did remind him to get dad and brother something and when I was in India, dad and Ajey enjoyed a lunch out, also Anand paid for a grocery store run too I heard. 

One of those happy days he offered to pay for my BJ’s shopping and I gently reminded that I want a “treat” not money and also in a restaurant of my choice not Panera :) I knew that day I was in a good place so I stretched my demand :)

I was away for a couple of days and I guess “absence does make the heart grow fonder” I was welcomed at the airport at an ungodly hour with hugs and words  “welcome home” and I could sit in the front seat. If you know Anand then you know how big a deal all these things are.

The Valentine’s day evening was the perfect to pitch in the idea of dinner out. We chose a new Indian restaurant, he looked at the menu and agreed to try a new place. No waiting, great service, fabulous food and Anand’s treat made it a perfect Valentine’s Day gift for me. I am not one to make a big deal of these hallmark commercial days but someone once said - “Take it as it is the day when people stop everyday life and acknowledge someone we care, appreciate and love.” I guess that’s a good enough reason. Chocolates are still a no no but I sure am getting better with flowers :) Happy acknowledging - “love you”, “I care for you” day to you too.

The traffic Jam - what do you do?

 Day -2 San Diego saga 

An hour plus drive turned into a 5 hour drive, our 11 hour day we spent half of it driving. It was frustrating and annoying but we knew we had no choice so we turned to Khan Sahab Mehdi Hassan . We listened to Mehdi Hassan sahab for hours. Those ghazals initiated the conversation about so many nuances and intricacy of poetry and music. And  that started conversation about life, family, people, relationships, friendships, politics, religion and memories. I was not behind the wheel so could enjoy  without worrying about fatigue.  

If I ignore the drive back I had a fabulous day, non stop music, amazing food, stunning location, fabulous weather and fantastic company I couldn’t have asked for better. Khan Sahab’s melodious voice made us talk about stuff we would have not otherwise.

More than anything I was observing how we behave in these circumstances. The 3 of us took a positive attitude and enjoyed the company and the music. These 200 plus miles will remain as a life lesson and a memory. We did joke about Bangalore traffic and many more traffic jams we got stuck in.

I am sure all of us have been through and we all deal with it differently. 

 When you are stuck on the road and there is no way out, a small turn or a missed exit can prolong the drive, how do you react in these times? Do you get angry, frustrated or just focus on letting it go? 

I know this post is in fragments but please bear with me. A San Diego Saga post is in making :)

A simple Mysore silk saree - for no reason. The host is an amazing photographer, how could I resist a photoshoot. Too many pics but so hard to pick one or two :)

Who is in your village? How do you decide?

Its been almost 7 years I have been talking about “village” I had the privilege of knowing some amazing moms who are passionate and trailblazer in special needs world. They are not Indian so we connected over other things than our culture. We connected over who we are as women, mom, friend and thinkers. They explained nuances of American life, movies, songs to me and I talked about Indian food, sarees, Indianness and what makes me Desi.

Few years down the road I realized how uncommon it was for Desi Moms to have this kind of village. These moms were raising their children all alone, as an islands. And I felt obligated to initiate a village for them, a very desi one. Not even once it occurred to me that the same idea was needed outside my own cultural community. I always thought everyone else always had one. And I was so wrong.

Over the year Desi Moms Network had evolved and I credit all the moms in the group to make what it is today. They held each other’s hand, took my idea and made their’s. Some of them created a family away from family in this very group.

I have been asked multiple time, why not expand it to non desi families, they deserved something like that too. I feel obligated to do so but at the same time I am afraid to loose the “Desi-nees” it carries within.

How do you make friends? what do you look for? How do decide to let people come close to your heart? What is your story? Would you expand your village beyond any borders?

Desi Moms Network is a group of Moms in Boston, MA with Children with special needs.

 A printed silk saree - my first introduction to chickpet ( Bangalore) I bought many of those, I think I was possessed by Saree greed. I think chickpet can do that to you :) 

How do you “expand” your Village?

When I started the “Desi Moms Network” I wanted to build something for moms. “What” I was not sure but “what not” that I was very clear about.

I had been to 3 support group meetings in the beginning of my journey and came home depressed and sad. I went with my own concerns and came home with everyone’s weight on my shoulder. I tried 2 more times and knew for sure that it won’t work for me. 

I went for a Mother’s retreat ( I talk about it all the time- June 2013 ) It was not ideal but I did meet some incredible mothers and that paved the way for “Desi Moms Network”.

I sat on the idea for a while and a few years down the road I implemented all those learnings. All along I continued building my village. I had friends who shared my love for music, books, poetry and saree and yes some with special needs families, Indians and non Indians. When it was time I kept the Indian moms in mind and created something beyond a support group, it is a village. 

The idea evolved and it is amazing in its current form, these 272 Mothers have found their friends beyond special need criteria, they sing, dance, read, travel, dine, exercise, vacation together. They are keeping “themselves” in mind and connecting. 

What is the idea behind this village - I have been asked multiple time - my answer remains the same - Find people you like, talk about you as a person, find something in you to connect - not your child’s diagnosis, nurture your friendship with something you enjoy, not stressing over IEP,  spend time talking about you not your child and see how wonderful it is to “find” the person in you. Once you have that, your families will benefit regardless. If someone loves you they will your child unconditionally. 

Please find within you - what makes you happy, who you were before motherhood. People who love you as a person they will accept your family the way they are.

Saree - a meet with my Saree Village 

I wish you a village who is there to empower, uplift and encourage you.

Saree - a meet with my Saree Village 

Last weekend I taught a family "basics of Indian cooking" Another kind of village - People who cook together :)