One
dinner our can bring out some conflicting emotion to surface and make you
realize how the whole “strong mom” can go downhill in no time.
I
could remember the same incident couple of years ago and I avoided writing
about it but this time it must be out.
Anand
has been waiting for his YMCA leaders rally for couple of weeks now. He was
very excited, I am sure he was nervous at the same time.
Last
Sunday the bags were packed and put away. So not like his mom, doing things
till last minute. We didn’t talk about it too much because neither of us knew what
to expect.
On
Friday when we dropped him to take the bus the camp my heart sank just a little
but swell with pride. My son was going away for two nights and he followed the
instructions and packed his stuff. He was excited and nervous at the same time
but he tried not to show it. At the same time his brother was taking bus home.
After picking up Ajey we decided to eat out just like that. In that nice restaurant,
it suddenly hit me how easy it was to just randomly do something. Nothing to worry
about, the conversation flew so easily among three adults, we made joked, took
pictures and talked about various things in our life. Suddenly I realized we didn’t
have that for such a long time. Eating out was always all about picking a restaurant
Anand would like. The dish to order, sensory overload, too many people or just
the rush to finish the dinner.
Soon
I got a picture of pizza slices and I knew he was happy and enjoying his meal
and suddenly I was in much better place but the guilt of enjoying a hassle-free
meal remained with me for a long time. I struggled justifying it finally I gave
in. It was time for being a mom to Ajey and not worry about anything else.
I
thought I was over this but no I cannot be. Talking to a friend today about it
was as harder as living that. I thought it has to get out and some of you would
be able to understand that its not easy to compartmentalize our relationships
with our kids.
At the center, ready to board the bus. He didn't want to do anything with his photographer mom. I was happy with the back shot.
He was happy with Pizza and Soda for his dinner. That ONE text made my day.
Having Ajey with us was so different.
The mother in me finally gave in and enjoyed the time with my first born.
We picked up Anand back on Sunday around 3.30. He was away for good 48 hours. I heard few things about camp, hopefully soon I will get the whole picture.
Below are the pictures from June 4th, 2016 - Ajey's Bday. Anand was at volunteer event and 3 of us went for lunch. I couldn't post these pictures, had trouble looking at them.. thinking how could I be so happy without Anand. Finally today I am OK posting them and telling myself.. its OK to be Autism free once a while.
Yes - the guilt of being autism free - I recently reached out to another blogger to book him for a speaker in the fall He hadn't blogged in a while due to some dramatic changes in his life. he asked for some ideas and I suggested he write about that sense of guilt ridden relief when your child with autism is away and no longer your moment to moment responsibility . Mothers guilt is universal I think -IF he writes about it I 'll have to rename it Parent Guilt
ReplyDeleteWonderful photos! Good for you for letting go and enjoying the moment.
ReplyDelete