What is inclusion for you and what it is for your Child?

 The Desi Moms Network’s WhatsApp group chat delves into various aspects of parenting. Every mom in the group wonders what is right for her child, contemplating the kind of service needed and how much support is sufficient. Questions about whether the school is providing what is needed and if there's enough support at home are daunting realities faced multiple times a day.

While I usually shy away from answering many questions in the WhatsApp group, today I couldn’t resist. The topic of inclusion is such a tricky one. We all want the best for our child, but what defines "the best"? The key is "to know what works for your child," and it will always be a trial and error, given that we don’t know our child’s entire persona. They behave differently with parents, teachers, at school, and at home.

Inclusion is a "personal" journey, and it's not a bad thing to try something new (or what feels right) and then fail – at least, you know it is NOT what you needed, allowing you to move on.

Anand was in fourth grade when we moved him from a regular classroom to a language-based classroom (that's what they told us) or a sub-separate classroom. He participated in recess, PE, music, and art with the regular classroom and learned subjects with classmates who had ASD in a smaller class with modified syllabus . Reflecting on it now, was it the right decision? He enjoys social interaction and thrives on that, but we didn't know that in elementary school; sub-separate classrooms just seemed right for him at the time.

He returned one class/subject at a time for inclusion in middle school, but he lost his connection with his classmates. Additionally, I felt he lost his academic momentum. He could have performed much better academically if he had been in a regular classroom with support. It never worked for him later, even though he was in full inclusion in high school.

There is no crystal ball to determine what is right for a child. I hope we all find a way to support our children and what is best for them. What is your philosophy ? How do you choose what is right for your child?

An Ikat cotton for a tea meet with some friends. 

Anand coming back from work, When he took the van for his new school it broke my heart, he loved his yellow school bus. He rode the yellow bus again in high school but It was not as fun for him. No friends and no participation. He takes GATRA, a public transport for work, just a mode of transport, no social interaction. 

Sunset and sunrise -Same beach - different perspective 

A new baby is hope, love and shared joy. A baby shower Saga

A new baby brings hope, joy, and worries too. I attended a surprise baby shower organized by the husband and friends. When I walked in, I had no idea what to expect, and neither did the future mom. I was graciously "invited." The friends who organized it have been part of the Desi Moms Network for quite some time. They met in the group, connected, took care of each other, laughed together, vacationed together, complained together, and, yes, cried together too. It’s beautiful to see how these women have formed long-lasting connections, and, indeed, their children are building their village together.

They all hold a special place in my heart. Witnessing them together brought pure joy. They wouldn't have met if not for our children, if not for the Desi Moms Network. Here they were, working in sync to celebrate one of them who was expecting another child. She is carrying hope and joy for all of us.

Observing her hugging everyone, the tears in her eyes, and the surprise and shock on her face, I could feel the power of community and the positive impact and comfort of having a circle of friends around. Welcoming a new baby (It's a girl!) into the world is a special occasion, and it's amazing to see these families coming together to celebrate one of their own. As we all say, she is carrying a symbol of hope and joy, not only for her but for all of us. 

A blue Maheswari to celebrate the joy and the motherhood. and its a girl !!!

How do you deal with disappointments?

Emotions are tricky; sometimes, you can let go of bigger issues and get hurt by small stuff. You can blame hormones, menopause (at my age), situations, kids, spouses, work, boss, colleagues, and weather in some cases. How do you deal with it? What is the way forward, and why does it get stuck, making happiness fly away?

Families with special needs children live with it constantly. The anxiety of not doing enough always lingers, along with the disappointment of not giving the best to our children or them not having the best of ourselves.

In general, disappointments are momentary and may not matter in the long run. But when caused by the limitations our children and their life have, it is hard to put them in the right perspective.

 Some days are just disappointing, and perhaps we need to accept those ongoing challenges.

What do you do to move on? How do you shift your perspective? How do you let go of worries about things beyond your control? A Kanchi Cotton from a friend, Years ago She was given my number and she did call. Apparently our conversation changed the way she handled her disappointments. She said that phone call was a game changer.

I so needed that kind of conversation today.

Wore the saree to meet some amazing moms who will do anything to change things for their children.

On a snowy day, Anand stood on our driveway waiting for his ride to go to work. Some days I am in awe but  most days I struggle to keep this in right perspective, Life is just not fair - not to him not to us.

Competing priorities - what did you choose today?

A friend mentioned how exhausted she was. In her 50s, her energy and stamina are something one can feel jealous of. For me, it was hard to hear a powerhouse woman feeling so low. We talked about our kids, husband, families, parents, and the work we do in our respective communities. Amidst all of these, we agreed that "I" doesn't have any place on that big list. What do "I" want as a human being? The constant juggle between wishes, desires, expectations, and responsibilities overshadows everything "personal." We wondered about the choices we make every day of our lives. Would we do the same again, or will we keep a place for our own wishes somewhere?

What do you think about it? What is your priority today? What was yesterday, and do you wish to change it? What takes over? The work? Home? Kids? Partner? Did you really choose them, or did social expectations play a role?

A cotton Paithani for a meet, where many women chose to be with each other on a Sunday , rainy, snowy evening for themselves. We all were just fun loving women having good time, not thinking about dinner, kids, husbands, home or work- for a change. 

Anand at the end of our driveway waiting for his ride to go to work. 

An evening for self care, empty theatre - we went to watch a movie on a lazy Sunday night.

 

What does it feel like to be vulnerable?

Most conversations start with "How are you?" and we often respond in a robotic way, saying that we are fine. But are we truly fine all the time? This question has been bothering me. We tend to hide things from our spouses, families, friends, and colleagues. The fear of judgment makes us very private and lonely.

It takes courage to admit and accept that things are not going the way we hoped, whether it's in terms of work, health, finances, relationships, or anything else. I completely understand not opening up to strangers or colleagues, but what about our families and close friends?

People around us might have solutions for things we cannot see. I learned a long time ago that I cannot do things alone, so I surround myself with smart people who make up for my missing pieces. I admit that I know nothing about many things and reach out for help.

I usually trust that people give advice with a good heart and genuinely want to be there for me and my family. I've always believed in the concept of a village and have built one for us.

What do you do? Do you shut down when you feel alone? Seek help? Reach out to friends and family? Or do you fight your battles alone? 

An Ikat for a musical night. Recited Faiz and Ibn-e-Insha. 

Anand takes the public transport to work - GATRA, Its a pickup on demand service. We never knew that it existed as on demand. I asked for paid drop off/pick up help in our town Facebook page and this was one of the most suggested option. 

Small happiness- Big enough to make it a celebration

 I am not much of a New Year celebration kind of woman; Pandey gatherings are boring in that sense. All of us fell asleep by 10 PM. If it were not for Anand, there would not have been anything going on.

Our New Year's Eve afternoon was spent with a family with a toddler. It was so much fun to have a baby at home; he kept all of us busy. I am glad the parents could take a little break.

For the last couple of years, Anand has been in charge of the New Year's Eve dinner. Simple meatball pasta, chips, salsa, and coke was on the menu. The whole family sat together without the TV and phones, laughing, talking, joking, planning for the coming year, and that was the biggest celebration.

New Year's morning was a big deal as we got a family picture; Anand agreed to be in it. On Monday morning, Anand had to work, and Ajey was running in Salem. Mr. Husband and I went to be with our firstborn. I did everything I wanted in my new year: a family pic, a drive with two Pandeys, coffee with Mr. Husband while Ajey was running, a quick meet with an activist mom, lunch at Ajey’s home, shopping with Mr. Husband, some TV, and then dinner with friends. New Year’s Day was the perfect snapshot of how I want my year to be :)

I wish you all happiness and health, time with friends and family, and some hugs and care for you. What is your mantra for this year?

Before 

and After the race !!!

A pochampalli Ikat , a repeat, thats what I want to do this year, No new saree shopping. 

Journey to Independence - one sickness at a time :)

 This was my second trip to India with Mr. Husband, without the kids. Last year, I had a big to-do list and a backup plan for Anand. A lot of women from my town helped with Anand’s drop-off and pick-up to and from work, so at least two people were checking on him every day. He has been using public transport now, so there wasn’t any friendly check-in.

A week later, Anand started feeling sick with a cough and cold. He had to miss work for two days and survive on his own, as Ajey could only come on Friday night. I suggested he could call our friends for help. He was cooking pasta and ordering food, but nothing helped more than hot lentil soup (dal) and rice. I also did what a mom could do from that far—texted some of my friends. Apparently, he was quick to ask for help too.

He missed work for two days; Ajey was home for the weekend. Anand was back to work on Monday with a lingering cold and cough. He survived that with grace and without panic. We would check on him; he would go to work, cook some, order some, and someone would drop off some food.

This was the first time he managed sickness on his own. I was in a much better state of mind, knowing he is handling it better. Time to teach him how to make dal now :) I don’t have many details of those days other than what I heard from my friends.

Another milestone I couldn’t imagine before. Another step towards independence.

A silk saree for The World Saree Day meet. A gift from Mr. Husband’s friend’s wife. We rarely meet, but she remembered me when she was shopping in Bangalore. It’s the thought that counts. 

Welcome home hug was wonderful. Looks like someone missed his mom :) I wish I could capture that :) 

A group of Saree lover women from Boston, Met on a chili, windy cold night to celebrate and saree and sisterhood.