The “Leaving the nest” Saga - Ajey's

Writen on July 30th

Pandemic has changed so many “routine, regular and usual” experiences in life and Pandeys are no exception. But today we all took one step forward towards something normal. It is exciting and scary at the same time.

The first born graduated and got a job in the city. At that point living at home seemed the right thing considering we have two train stations in our town. The idea was to do what is best for “now” and figure out things a little later. The new year was supposed to bring new beginnings. A wedding in the family changed the plan entirely . Our India trip took over the whole plan. By the time we got back in mid Jan, the winter, India trip hangover and jetlag took some time and then Covid changed everything. We all, like everyone else, hunkered down and put everything on hold and just stayed home. I think like all of you we were home together 24/7. We laughed, enjoyed, argued, ate, drank, complained, watched TV, cooked together and had fun. Nothing was a straight line, it was all curvy and filled with emotions.

Things seemed pretty okay after vaccination and slowly we started to venture into the normal. In early July 2021 Ajey finally decided to look into moving out options and the kid got what he wanted in the first weekend he started to look. He had a check list and the first apartment he saw worked for him. I didn’t like the idea of “getting the first one he saw..” I would have looked more. But like his dad he is neither an explorer nor a researcher. 

Long story short - last one week we had multiple boxes sitting in the living room and things were coming in. The list, packing, shopping, wrapping and arguing too was going on :) Finally yesterday the “kid” got the key and today we moved his stuff, WiFi got hooked up and we got him home for dinner. Mom made special fish, dad made chicken and served the scotch. Anand decided not be a part of the celebration and stayed with his show on the living room TV. But again this evening was about his brother so the 3 of us adults sat on the deck and had our farewell dinner.

Anand picked the restaurant for the lunch tomorrow and that is a good enough contribution to the celebration and the send off. 

The kid is sleeping in his room at home tonight, the home he grew in, tomorrow we will all go have lunch in his neighborhood and leave our kid to be the “man” he aspires to be in his pad.

We gave him wings and dreams and I know he is ready to soar.  The mom is doing good knowing it is going to be wonderful.

Anand and Wahlburgers - 21st bday celebration

Is it the food or the people who make “lunch” special

Today after Anand’s first in person appointment in Newton the boys decided to go to the city for lunch. Anand wanted to go to “Wahlburgers ” one of his most favorite places.

When he mentioned it this morning I was like really? This might be our last family lunch out before Ajey moves out coming Friday. We could go to a better place. One of my favorite places “Time out Market” is right there and I did propose the lunch there. But my boy had his mind set on Wahlburgers. 

This morning after the appointment we went to Fenway and found parking right outside. Ajey wanted a good burger too. Ashish did offer that boys can eat their burger and we could go to Time out Market. I just didn’t feel like eating without the boys and decided to walk in with them. THE best thing I did today.

I asked if we could sit outside and it was met with a flat out “no” response from the Birthday boy. While we were getting on our seats suddenly he asked - I am 21, can we sit at the bar. And that changed everything for all of us.

I got hold of a wonderful wait staff and told her about our family and requested her to take some pictures without Anand noticing. The wait staff at the Bar was amazing with all of us. She was funny and kind. She chatted with us and I mentioned to her how a big deal it was for me as all of us are “adults” now. We all ordered our drinks ( 3 adult drinks and one coke) and food. While we were waiting for our food she came with a packet. Anand was wearing his “W” cap, she got him another one and a T shirt as a Birthday gift. Single handedly she made our day with her kind gesture. Today my day was made by some wonderful people, just because they chose to be kind to my family. 

The Pandeys are so out of the loop that we didn’t know the Red Sox were playing today. We got a parking ticket for parking on the road on game day. Well I wasn’t very happy about it then and in the long run it won’t matter, but the happiness and fun we had  “celebrating Anand’s 21st Birthday ” will last forever. 

I did come out to sit for few minutes in the sun. joking and chatting with wait staff, a gentleman offered to buy a drink for "the happy lady". My first born promptly responded to the server that his mom has two men taking care of her drinks :) 

Bday wishes for Papa July 21st, 2021 - Celebrate - Love, Respect and Culture

It was a busy and a long day.  I am tired, exhausted but happy. 

Today is July 21st, My dad’s birthday and a dear friend’s too. She is a year plus younger to me but has taken up the “caretaker” role. I like it when she behaves like one just because she shares the day with my dad.

I was invited by Mass Families ( an organization here in MA) to speak today about “Embracing Your Culture”. 

I have always been known as “ahead of my time or place”, have a different attitude towards things, not a typical woman. So this topic intrigued me but at the same time I understood the need to handle it delicately. 

I decided to go “My way” and not talk about pros and cons of any culture. I talked about “our culture”. The talk started with an introduction to my family, India, values and how we define culture.

My most favorite part was the Q and A session. It was off line so I didn’t have to be politically correct while speaking . I could be my own person. I could voice what the moms from Desi Moms Network have told me over and over again. How their own “culture” and families, friends and relatives are not part of their lives. “Our culture lacks empathy” a mom had told me.

Well, that is a topic for another day. I will come back to analyze  “disability, mental health, stigma and Indian culture” some other day. Today I want to end my day wishing my dad and my friend a happy and healthy life. I celebrated his birthday  with a morning call with him, a zoom call with cousins wishing him on his birthday and evening tea with my dear friend.

Well, it has been a long and tiring but very happy day. I wish you the same .

Dont miss my shoes :) and Flowers. 

My friends neighbors were celebrating their son's 6th Bday. Loved the decor. so it was for Joey, Papa and Viba - Happy Bday..

“It’s okay to be not okay all the time” Anand's 21st Bday

When I say “Build your village” I really mean it in every sense.

When things get tough, you should know who are your people.

I am helping so many moms building their village BUT I can just help, they have to do the work.

I keep repeating how important it is to have that village. 

Today I would like to thank everyone who did their bit to be part of my village. You held my hand when things got tough, wiped my tears and gave me a hug. If you could do nothing else, you lifted my spirit by talking about shoes and sarees. You just left everything and drove over to hold my hand, or took me to the farmers market just to stroll with me and yes I came back home with just a loaf of bread and a bunch of onions. You sent texts, voice msgs, pictures and more. some of you reminded how wonderful I am :) Also some of you really know how realistic I needed to be that day so thank you for not sugar coating  but giving me comfort with the words that it’s okay to be not okay.

Thank you for walking the walk with me and making sure I don’t loose myself.

I walked into the Saree meet with a hurricane in my mind. I walked back home little lighter for sure.

I am posting a text (one of so many) you to remember when you feel down - that it shall pass and tomorrow is a better day. ( Thank you C)

“Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. You don’t need a reminder that this is what he wants and this is what makes him happy. I know what you are saying as a mother. At the end of the day you will find the courage to be ok with this uneasy feeling. Hugs to you dear. As Buddha says “It’s okay to not be okay all the time”. Jaya I wish there was a magic pill that I could dispense and everything got better but trials and tribulations are an integral part of life and there is no way around it"

A simple silk for the saree meet, one of my village. The shout and cheer when I walked in was enough to assure me that I was loved and I needed to be there that night. only If I could tell them then how they nurtured my soul and heart. But I sure can tell them how grateful I am to have all of them in my life. 

and next day  this was from my other village. They rallied around me and fed me food and love. 

A saga about an evening - Cheese or no cheese ?

I read a post on Facebook today about “Desi Taste.” I have heard over and over again that nothing beats Indian food. I feel for those who don’t get to enjoy a good Mexican or Italian meal or a french pastry or a good Danish or a beautifully baked bread. The aroma of a freshly baked bread is heavenly.

I love Paratha, Dosa or well made sweets from India but at the same time I can appreciate well cooked Persian meats too. 

When I accepted a seat on the board of Federation for Children with Special Needs, I knew I would enjoy the work but didn’t know it comes with cheese tasting too. I got the invite a couple of weeks ago for a virtual cheese tasting for Friends of Federation. I knew husband darling could care less for cheese but I was up for it. The box from Jasper Hill Farm was delivered a few days ago with instructions.

Finally the day came and I was all dressed for the evening. The evening progressed wonderfully, the cheesemonger from Jasper Hill Farm was amazing and she explained everything. She taught me something new - to have some jam with the cheese. We tasted 5 varieties of cheeses with 4 kinds of preserves. She suggested the food parings too but my mind was already pairing those flavors with Indian cuisine. I will keep you updated of my experiences.

For me more than the cheese the experience was intriguing. One of the board members had invited all her friends for that. I really had fun watching her girlfriends eating cheese and sipping some wine together. Note to myself - Don’t do it alone next time :)

A simple cotton saree for a hot and humid day. I sat on the dining table while husband prepped our dinner. I was served a red wine to enjoy with the cheeses.

Time to work on utilizing my new gained knowledge of cheeses. Stay tuned for more exploration.

Meanwhile please visit Federation’s site and learn about the amazing work they are doing. Spread the word and I look forward to seeing you all at the Gala on Sept 18th.

Build you village - your interest matters too

I have always been a woman with her own idea and opinion driven by mix of logic and emotions.

It took time but now I feel people see value in my words. My idea of building your village NOT based on your issues is finally making sense to people. I have had those conversation many times and now people are noticing that “Desi Moms Network” is not your “typical” support group. It is also not  your usual “Girls night out group” either. It is a long term vision keeping all aspects of life in mind. 

It is heartwarming to see your ideas being valued beyond your own community. I was invited by YLF (youth leadership forum)  to speak with a set of parents. 

The invite said-  “We would like to welcome parents of YLF Delegates and Peer Leaders to our last drop-in parent group with a discussion led by Jaya Pandey. Jaya is a 2021 graduate of the MassFamilies Leadership Series.Jaya will share her journey and need for building a village NOT based on disability. Based on common interest, respect, value and appreciation and friendship. Please join us.”

It was a beautiful Monday evening and I loved talking about my idea of “village” I could feel how difficult it was for parents to think “beyond” their kids. In the beginning I asked few questions and restricted them to answer with kid or family. The exercise was to reinforce knowing themselves.

1. What makes you happy - “you”- cannot include your kid and family
2. If you are given a day what will you do - just for you
3. One thing you dream about 
4. Think of one place you would want to go - alone

The questions forced them to rethink their life and many said it was very hard for them to separate anything from their families but at the same time they agreed that it made them rethink. They promised to start thinking in that direction. That was a victory in itself for me.

Meanwhile you tell me if you have thought about it? an assignment for you??? 

A gift from a friend, When she came visiting, dropping her daughter to school. I got 6 of these beauties. 

Things fall into place, a scene from my walk

I went to have a tea with a friend after a very difficult day. A part of my village based on mutual appreciation. much needed break.