What is ishq for you and what is romance for you?

I remember the conversation with a dear friend who had very clear thought that When two people really care about each other, they will always look for a way to make it work, no matter how hard it is. Some times you don't really have to say "I Love you" all the time. There are a million different ways to express that. "Put your seat belt on", "get some rest or go put your feet up on the couch", or as simple as "go sit and I will get you the food". I guess you just gotta listen, they all mean "I love you" in some way.

But seriously its all in the mind, what works for you? what is your definition of romance?

The boys are not home anymore so life is little easier in a way, (New moms  out there - listen to me - your time will come :) A simple meal can be a fancy outdoor meal in no time.  We both could just get ready and be out for a quick bite without thinking too much. 

Someday we just sit outside enjoying the sun and the moon and fall breeze. The simple lunch can be fun.

A Sunday morning lunch with husband was divine then I drove to an event, a music and poetry event in one of my favorite Saree. I wasn’t even doing anything on stage this time.. Got to meet some friends who really make me feel loved. I was in “home” state of mind.

Now to think of it- it was the color of the saree driving my mood. The brightest saree in the crowd :) 

रोज़ तारों को नुमाइश में ख़लल पड़ता है 

चाँद पागल है अँधेरे में निकल पड़ता है 

उस की याद आई है साँसो ज़रा आहिस्ता चलो 

धड़कनों से भी इबादत में ख़लल पड़ता है 

-राहत इंदौरी

A quick date - A local Indian restaurant

 The "in home" date - My plate has Sushi from Whole food, Corn, Kababs and Salad from Mr Husband's kitchen. My fav kind of plate and even better when served with a nice wine.

Do you introduce your friends to other friends?

I have talked about building your village here so often that I don’t have to repeat my philosophy again. Today I want to talk about how to build your village or maybe one of the many ways of building the village. But before that I want to ask you a question that I have been asked multiple times.

How do you feel when you introduce someone to your other friend, and they become close friends?

My saree is a reminder of those questions. Today my heart is full writing about this.

My different villages come together once a while. This was one of those incidents. I connected one of my saree friends to one of the moms from the Desi Moms Network. Somehow I had this feeling that they both will be good for each other. They both are young moms with different kinds of lives but they both needed friends. 

They have been talking for a few months now and decided to meet. One family drove over 200 miles to spend a long weekend with another family. Both the husbands were very supportive and decided to follow their wives’ lead.

I was there with them for a day and had so much fun seeing all 4 kids and the 4 grown ups together. I am really happy for them, that they are building their village. Seeing these two women together - cooking, cleaning, chatting, laughing and just having good time remains the highlight of the weekend for me. They are grateful to whatever I did and they keep mentioning it but for me it is not about that its about paying it forward and I am sure they will do the same. They will introduce their friends to other friends. 

I spent another day with them and took Mr husband with me too, I usually don’t “include” him in my village but this time I needed him. The girls needed to meet my rock and support. And I wasn’t wrong again - he charmed everyone but it was the baby, a year old girl who was just happy having him around.  

A silk saree for a musical get together. After spending a day with them I drove to have fun with another village, my musical village. Recited Jagjit Singh, had some fun and drove back home living those moments again. 

On their way back home stopped at our place, It was strange to see them without those other two girls. These guys have stolen my heart. I am sure I will get to see them soon

Recited Jagjit Singh from album "A Milesone"

सदमा तो है मुझे भी कि तुझसे जुदा हूँ मैं लेकिन ये सोचता हूँ कि अब तेरा क्या हूँ मैं

बिखरा पड़ा है तेरे ही घर में तेरा वजूद बेकार महफ़िलों में तुझे ढूँढता हूँ मैं

किस-किसका नाम लाऊँ ज़बाँ पर कि तेरे साथ हर रोज़ एक शख़्स नया देखता हूँ मैं

ले मेरे तजुर्बों से सबक ऐ मेरे रक़ीब दो चार साल उम्र में तुझसे बड़ा हूँ मैं

पहुँचा जो तेरे दर पे तो महसूस ये हुआ. लम्बी सी एक क़तार में जैसे खड़ा हूँ मैं

जागा हुआ ज़मीर वो आईना है ‘क़तील’. सोने से पहले रोज़ जिसे देखता हूं मैं

ना जाने किस अदा से लिया तूने मेरा नाम. दुनिया समझ रही है के सब कुछ तेरा हूं मैं

• क़तील शिफ़ाई

A pledge for me, you and everyone - lets make it a norm

 While recording a pledge for an organization a question kept popping in my head. Why do we have to say these things our loud , should they not part of our philosophy, ingrained in our lifestyle,  should they not be the norm in the society?

As part of an amazing effort I am so proud but at the same time I wonder how come we are here in this century too.

The year 2020 and 2021 brought a whole new dimension to ethics and norm of a society.

 Do you question your core value and do you ever question your “norm”? Or rather do you confront yourself?

By the way if you are wondering what did I pledge to, I hope you do the same. - here they are for you to remember.

1. Confront racism, inequity, hate, violence, and structural elements of society that harm, diminish, or devalue others due to characteristics over which they have no control.

2. Contribute to a workplace that creates a community that supports diversity, equity, and inclusion of all people.

3. Monitor myself for instances of unconscious bias which may interfere with fulfilling the other elements of this pledge.

4. Promote causes that support people who are undervalued or marginalized by society. 

A beautiful linen for a beautiful fall day. PC dear husband, a reluctant photographer. I shouldn’t be complaining but I do miss my first born for this very reason. 

6 AM flight from Bangalore to Raipur This was a sight 

How do you deal with your FOMO

"The fear of missing out" refers to the feeling or perception that others are having more fun

What drives you? What pushes you?

In last few years the party hoping has become a norm, Social Media has made the simple meets something else. A simple tea or chit chat meets are not possible now, social media has made everything so big. 

Sometimes it forces you to change your priorities. One has to be there even it means juggling too many things at once. I noticed that everyone rushes to RSVP as soon as something is scheduled and then drop out closer to the date. We want everything on our calendar and then drop it if something more interesting comes along.

I went for a saree meet and noticed how busy everyone was, people either were coming from somewhere or going somewhere. I did the same, went to do a Golu visit after the saree meet.

I was dealing with my own FOMO, It was Oct 10th in India, Jagjit Singh’s death anniversary and some of his fans and associates were meeting in Udaipur. They are those whom I never met but they hold a special place in my heart. They are the one I feel so home with when it comes to my craziness for the man. I was driving to the Saree meet and all I wanted was to be with some of those people and listen to JS and not do anything. 

I was among Saree lovers and then I went to see some of the moms, a big part of my village but was I there 100%? 

What do you do? Do you party hop? Do you say no to an invite then regret it? Do you look forward to seeing the picture if somehow you missed it, Is it hard to say no to an invite ? 

Do you have to be part of every party? 

The rush for the party? :) no - just a perfect back pose, PC - yours truly  

किसी के वास्ते राहें कहाँ बदलती हैं 

Drive back home was something else not just the drive. I was taking the pic of the signal and this car just photobombed it. Between Lexington to Natick

उन्हीं रास्तों ने जिन पर कभी तुम थे साथ मेरे  मुझे रोक रोक पूछा तिरा हम-सफ़र कहाँ है 

A different perspective - what would you do differently ?

 So if you have read the previous post you know I was part of a panel discussion about raising children in multicultural society.

One question was “How does culture affects your relationship with your family members”

That made me think - I was always a think out of the box person and believed in the power of words. I can have difficult conversations as well. More than anything I learn from people around me and adopt their ideas and philosophy. 

I think I have become More open and adoptive to new ideas sometimes because of the exposure I have through friends.

That discussion sure made me think - what worked for us as a family and there are things I would change if I could do that all over again.

Eating together as a family was something I grew up with so it was a norm for us. No phone, no book, no TV, just food and us..

I come from a religious family and evening used to be a prayer time.I always thought it was religious so the rebel in me didn’t want to do anything. My husband doesn't believe in religion and many of those traditions didn't make sense to me either so those were the first to let go. But now I miss that, meditation and prayers are not about religion, it's about traditions.

The cotton saree on a beautiful crisp fall day, took half a day off, went to see a “younger” friend to give some “gyan” (wisdom) and then another friend who has seen the world more than me to get some “gyan” :) The benefit of having a diverse set of friend circle. To give you an idea one was 15 yrs younger than me and other had those many years to add to her experience :) A Korvai Kora cotton - a gift from a friend

Parenting in multicultural society - what are your challenges?

 I was invited for a panel discussion in the company I work for - The topic was “parenting and culture”

3 of us women from different heritage and culture came together to talk about our challenges and advantages raising kids in multicultural society

I will write down the questions for you here. I would love to hear what you all think. For me the challenges are more about parenting this generation more than raising them out of our home country. 

• Did you find yourself making a conscious decision to incorporate, blend different cultural tradition within your family/ home life? or was it something that happened naturally?

• What values from your culture are important to pass down to your new generations? How do you incorporate them in to your family life? And what family tradition have you not been able to pass down to your Children

• What challenges do you face when raising a multicultural child/ or did you face as multicultural child? Do you feel you have to compete with society norms?

• What are some of the challenges you or your family struggle as multicultural person?

• Can you share a cultural practice from your adoptive country, that you have incorporated as your own? How did you find it

• How do you think you culture affects your relationship with members of you household? 

• What are the three most important values that people should know about your culture?

I will write about my thoughts in my next post. Or may be couple of posts. While answering these questions and listening to others talk about their experiences I realized parenting is tough regardless of culture, country or time. I am sure my grandmothers struggled as much as we do.

About the Saree - A loot from my moms closet, recent India trip. Kosa is a kind of silk from my home state and the style “Kantha” is from West Bengal, the saree is woven in my home town. A perfect piece to represent mom and my heritage.  

Have you ever taken a Board meeting in your PJ’s :)

Note - I am writing about my India trip on my other blog, but this post really fit here.

This was a busy summer for me and every one in Desi Moms Network community. We all are getting ready to send our kids to school and ready to embrace the change. I was busy growing the moms network and raising awareness in our community and beyond. The Pandemic brought the need up front and center. This year I accepted another board position (After Federation for Children with Special needs and Mass familes) for HMEA.

They are one of the very prominent service providers and I am honored to support them with my experience, background and expertise. My term was to start in Sept. I did participate in last board meeting as a guest but this Thursday was the first official meeting.

Date was already in my calendar and I was looking forward to it with an idea to don on a beautiful saree. I made a promise to myself to wear sarees for board meetings to draw attention to desi community. Only problem was - I flew to India the week before. Can you believe all 3 organizations have their board meeting during the two weeks I am in India. My jet lag is getting worse every trip and this time it wasn’t any different.  I missed the Federation’s meeting and Virtual Gala because of messy calendar and time difference and my jet lag. So was determined to make this one work. Only problem was I was flying that very morning back to Bangalore after visiting my mother in law in Durg.

Thursday night was packing night, many phone calls to make, catching up on messages and emails. I finally went to bed at midnight. Earlier I thought I would get up early, get ready and join the call. But the night before everything got delayed. The Meeting was at 3.30 AM so there wasn’t I could do much. I woke up and joined the call in my PJ’s . So much to the planning for first meeting :) The meeting was very informative and engaging. I totally forgot I was jet lagged or tired or was in the middle of the night. Was just proud and happy to be part of an amazing team of passionate people.  After meeting I was rejuvenated so much so that I decided to repack everything with clarity in my mind about what is important.

 Introducing myself in my PJ’s and sleepy voice was not something I would like to start my term with but this meeting sure has a place in my memory. I just hope the other board members will change their opinion about me by the next meeting. I hope my first impression in not the last impression :)

What is your meeting in PJ or time difference story?

This was me the night before, a long tiring but happy day. and the other pic was me next morning for the flight, I couldn't dare to take pic of my in between avatar 

The reception story - Unsung heroes

I was invited as a friend first then a board member to a reception to honor 3 awardees - a philanthropist, a change agent and an organization working in mental health field. Of these 3, 2 of them have inspired me in many ways.

One is a friend and a person I adore. She in a way change the way immigrant familes are treated in the special needs world. She is a cultural agent. I dressed her and her daughter in sarees a couple of months ago if you follow my stories.

The Associate Director of that organization is a dear friend too. I walked a 5K wearing a green saree to honor her a few years ago for her efforts in raising mental health awareness. She never forgets to tell everyone.

I didn’t have to think twice about what to wear, a saree of course but a hot day called for a cotton. The venue was amazing as was the weather, the people, the drinks and the food. I met some fabulous people, some I knew from before some I didn’t. Very interestingly many asked about my Saree. 

An amazing group of people from the non profit world, some families, some parents with special needs children, they all made the evening perfect. But my favorite was a mom walking in with her son as her plus one. 

Years ago I went to another gala with one Radio personality as the host, I walked in with my then 18 year old son. I still remember that feeling. 

When I sent a picture of me at the gala to a friend she couldn’t believe that I wore a cotton saree to a reception hosted at a country club here in Boston. We joked that one flower decoration on that table would have been more expensive than my saree. 

Well, if you want to know more about the work Federation for Children with Special needs does, please google them to learn more about the organisation. Wait for the Gala pictures. I will be in one of my favorite sarees for sure.

A simple cotton Batik saree more pics and captions on my blog if you want to see my flower :)

The wonderful photographer Ivone Rego

The fancy country club had IKAT cushion in their waiting area :) There were two indian in that club that day Jaya and that imported Ikat fabric :)

Ivone Rego's magic :)

The Village comes in all shapes and sizes

My parents have been living with my sister for more than 15 years . They left their home, friends, family and social circle and helped my sister raise her kids. They kept their connections alive and home intact and visited twice a year.

It was the first time they couldn’t due to COVID. The last 18 months took a toll on everyone and our family wasn’t an exception. At a certain point they decided it was enough, fear lost and the longing to be in their “home and hometown ” won over. They took a trip to Balaghat for two weeks. But this time it was different as they were almost two years older than their last visit. They knew it would be difficult but didn’t know to what extent. My mom needed to be on her own to live life fully, do the things she wanted to do and meet the people she had missed in the last two years. Another sister and her husband took care of most of the things they could ( they live 150 miles away in Raipur). They came and got them settled and then went back home. It was my mom’s entourage of helpers who really took care of them.

Khelan Bai is one of them. 

Ajey was born in Balaghat and Khelan Bai came to help us with the new born. Her husband is a barber in our town and traditionally the barber’s wife is a masseuse for the new born and the new mom. She was and still is a skinny woman who was always calm and smiling. It was 24 plus years ago. I left for Singapore with then 2 months old Ajey but she remained a part of our household. She took care of my mom and later when they moved to Bangalore she still remained in our caretaker circle. Whenever we went home she was always there doing whatever she could. I always told her she is the best Masseuse in the world. She is tiny and skinny but there is something in her hands that relaxes every bone. Come to think of it, she has been there for our 3 generations. 

This time my mom was there for 10 days and Khelan bai was there by default everyday for a couple of hours doing more than just giving a massage to my mom. She did what we, the daughters were supposed to do. Helped my mom clean and empty out the stuff from home. My mom had a different agenda this time, she let go of a lot of old stuff and belongings. I know it was hard for her, she wasn’t feeling well healthwise and emotionally too realizing she may not be able to “visit” her own home as much she would want to. Khelan bai was there to hold her hand and support her in every possible way. I am just grateful that she was there where none of us sister could.

My parents are back from Balaghat and am I am so grateful that they could spend some time there but it wasn’t possible without these helps. Will write about Gangaram, the caretaker for their home some time soon.