Where is my god and what is my religion?

When I thought of writing today I was not sure if I should write about this. But that’s all is going on in my mind. I am sure I am touching a very sensitive topic but please bear with me, because if I cannot speak what I feel, or if I worry that my friends will judge me what is point in telling my story to you anyway.

I stopped writing few months ago thinking it was becoming my monologue about our life. I got few emails and messages asking about my next blog and I conveniently ignored it. I thought my main purpose was to let my close friends and families know about our journey, was it really helpful? During my recent trip to India I realized that many of the people around us see “Anand and Autism” just a tiny part of our life. I couldn’t explain to them that it IS our life now. Our life revolves around that and nothing matters more than our kids.

Anyway, those discussions are topic of another blog. Today it is all about God and religion. I have given many advices from medicines to prayers to fasting to charity and do many more things to ”cure” Anand. I am sure many thinks that its all god’s plan. But here I am, thinking where is GOD in this plan?

I was born in a religious Hindu family; my dad is very strong believer of dharma. I grew up having all festivals, rituals, prayers, mantra and sholkas but did I really believe in those? I guess not. I questioned those believes many a times. Having been married to an agnostic for a long time  I think I started thinking like him. So when I am having days like today I go back to the original thinking – Why us. (http://momlovesanand.blogspot.com/2012/10/it-could-be-worse.html)

Today I was reading about the book "The Secret" and "Laws of Attraction". 

The article talked about faith and believing in the positives. But somehow I feel like questioning. What kind of faith and what kind of God. All these years I did ask those question, went through many cycles of emotions. I didn’t find any answer or comfort but figured what I needed to know. God or no god.. I guess motherhood is my religion now.

13 is just a number

Many phone calls and emails on July 16th wanted one person who was turning 13 that day. That one silly, cute, handsome, goofy, funny, young man was taking it all in. I have been telling him that he is a teen now and growing big and that means more responsibilities and chores. I said, I will teach him to do the laundry now. He brother was very excited thinking his has someone to share his work and here comes the reply – mom 13 is just a number :)

Anand’s Bday is always a bitter sweet day for me. I am proud and happy to see him grow and learn new things. But at the same time I feel sad seeing him miss age appropriate milestone. I wrote – “It could be worse” but most of the time I feel why did it turn this way. Why do I have to feel this way?  Why couldn’t I just celebrate the 13^th Bday with a teen with teen tantrum? All he wanted was a dinner at Taco bell. Really? That’s all? Nothing else. No cake, no party just taco’s - only from taco bell.  We took him for ice-cream but that was not in the list.

Anand went to an overnight camp. I had to bribe him with some DS games so he would atleast try the camp. He got those games last weekend, So there wasn’t any game in the Bday wish list either. How I wish he had endless wish list like a teen.

But for him 13 is just a number. For me again it’s reminder to celebrate the good I got and work on things which we can improve and move on with what we don’t have.. Thank you Anand, you are right, 13 is just a number..

Another day of a different motherhood.

I have always said that I am not a perfect mother or wife material. My philosophy in life sometimes doesn’t match with social standard, and I am Ok with that.

With Anand going to camp a part in me was very happy. Not only just for him that he will experience something new and enjoy it. I was excited and happy for me too that I will for a change have a different routine. I thought I will not come back home from work and roam around city, watch movies or go to someplace for kids free dinner. It’s not that I haven’t done these things before. But I never was a free mom. I would go out and have fun and still in my mind I would think about them. But still sending him to camp was a ticket to a free world to me. I have been telling my older son that for these 4 days he is on his own. I am not thinking about cooking or laundry or anything. I am not sure if it is a sign of being selfish but I had this free time image in my head.

Yesterday I came back home with a little weird feeling. He was happy and having fun with the counselor, chit chatting about his game. I Got a nice good bye hug and off he went. On my way back I was not sure how I was feeling sad or happy. By the evening I couldn’t think of anything else but him.

So far I have called camp 3 times and I know he is not sad and unhappy. They didn’t call to ask me to come back and take him, that’s a good sign, right?

Now here I am thinking what is going on. I wanted this time for me but when I have it I am not able to enjoy it. Is it called motherhood? What happed to my freespirit? Why cannot just get out and not think about him constantly. I guess I do have some mother instinct. I do miss my baby and I know he is having fun. Now it’s my time to have some fun so I will a better mom when he comes back.

A different night and hope for a brighter morning..

It is a different night in Pandey household.

Anand will be 13 next week and I don’t remember him sleeping away even for a night. Kids on spectrum don’t get to experience the usual fun stuff so sleep over is nor something they would do. Few months ago when I read about Camp Havago I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do that. But mom in me wanted him to have the usual growing up experience. It has been my mission to help my son find his circle of friends. He is in such a place that finding a friend is very difficult.

So here comes the night he is off to Camp for 4 nights. I cannot believe it. It started with “I don’t want any camp” to “ I hate camps” to somehow “OK, but you will pick me up every night” to “ OK, I will try” It started with a little push - you have to do it, Doc and school want you to learn few things” to bribe ( I will buy to a 3 DS) to OK you should give it a try. I have to give credit to his behavior therapist Doc A too. He was instrumental in explaining Anand how important the camp life is. How much fun it could be.

So finally we went to the open house and it changed everything. My son has a way to steal the heart. Those counselors are well trained and Anand is a charming kid. We went with a grumpy kid who went there only so he could eat out. But I brought home back a happy kid who was looking forward to the camp.

I couldn’t believe my ears when he said he will go to the camp. But he was worried how would he sleep away from home and we talked about it in bits and pieces.

So finally he is going to camp tomorrow and here we were planning and packing.

It has been a great Monday for him after few days in Maine and a movie and ice cream Monday with dad he was a happy kids. I am sure it might have hit him hard. I was trying to pack and trying to engage him and all of sudden it was just an outburst. “I don’t want to go to camp” He threw away all those ironed clothes, fought with dad and screamed and shouted. Within minutes all those stacked clothes were on floor.

I now think Ashish was right when he commented that Anand is going to a summer camp, nobody cares if the shirts are ironed or not.

So after talking and pasta dinner and ice cream dessert my son is off to bed with a calm mind and here I am thinking and wondering what the hell happened. I know he is nervous and it was just his way of saying that he is worried and nervous. I am in the same boat. I cannot wait for him to enjoy those days and have a different experience. I am looking forward to have 4 days to my self when I will have different evenings.

So here we are doing what we can to ease ourselves. Ashish watching TV, I am typing my blog and hopefully boys are sleeping.

Wonder how Autism changes world and its meaning to families like us.

Hopefully it will be a different morning and when he comes back on Saturday he will be happier Anand.

Passing along our dreams to our children

It has been more than 6 weeks and this thought is still stuck with me. Many things happened but I cannot write about them unless I take this out.I was resisting writing about it, didn’t want to make it a whining post. But it just stopped me from writing anything else so today is a day when it has to be out..

In March during one musical show I met two of my online friends. We had never met before face to face but it felt we have known each other for a long time. The common factor was Hindi Music. We three could talk hours about our love for music, what we liked and who was out favorite singer, musician and lyrists. One of them even runs a site for nonstop music. That day we talked how our kids are not so much in love with our music, what will they do with our collection after us and what not.

I always felt that our children are very lucky. They have exposure to so many things music included. They develop their taste on their own and then they choose what they like most. I shouldn’t and cannot expect them to love Jagjit Singh’s the way I do. They won’t hum or sing those old Hindi songs I grew up with but still as parents we give them the opportunity and drag them to many of these concerts.

The Learn Quest Music Festival was one of those times. I took Ajey to listen Malladi Brothers and he witnesses the magic of sitar from Ustad Shahid Parvez. He was happy and had great time. He had too many questions and loose ends and I needed to find someone to answer all these. The next day he listened to none other than M. BalmuraliKrishna and there he found the full circle of Hindustani Music. And that’s where I found how sad I was. I could see him enjoying and living the moment and couldn’t stop thinking how badly I so wish I could give Anand the same experience. I felt sad for me and him that I cannot provide and enrich him with this experience. He is missing an familiarity which is so important to me. As a mom at that time I didn’t need to worry if Ajey will ever listen to Hindustani Music I was just sad that Anand will not experience the beauty of this kind of music. He loves music and is a great fan of Pink Floyd and electronic music and whatever his brother or dad listened to. But it aches to think he would not know the beauty of sitar or ragas or a khayal or thumari or Bollywood music.

Well we can just try and hope for and admit sometime that we cannot pass on everything to our kids or atleast I couldn’t do that. I wish you very best that you can..

By the way if you want to read Ajey’s experience here is the link.

Who is your friend?

You meet people, some stick with you and some just fade away.

Sometimes they just make you feel that you are there as you. It may be a temporary feeling but at that point nothing matters for them just you.

I met some very wonderful, smart, funny, caring women yesterday. Some of them I met for the first time. They all are moms to wonderful kids but at that time they all were there just as friends. They all talked about kids, movies, TV  and schools.

 I was there just listening and was enjoying that conversation. So many times I felt I don’t belong there but many times I felt that I JUST belong there. It was a very comforting feeling and then when I talked about my boys. It was funny how all of sudden I felt I am in the right place. Many of them didn’t know me but it didn’t stop them from being there for me. It was not a support group for special moms but they made me feel it was. Their suggestion, their instinct and observations helped me look into different side. No doubt it was an underground network of moms who love each other and love each other’s kids.

Some time you feel that you have known people for long time, some of them you meet often but you don’t get that “feeling”, but at the same time you meet people and they just connect to you.

You are right “DH” – “These are wonderful, smart, funny, caring women with awesome kids” and yes I had one of those lucky days yesterday.

When you actually have to walk the walk.

Sitting in that support group room how mad and sad I was. There was a dad with a newly diagnosed kid, how many questions and worries and eagerness to find all the answers, to know what will happen next. How he wanted to know so many things right then and there. And here I was with so many answers and explanations. At the same time I kept on thinking I wish I had this knowledge 8 years ago. I so wish I had taken it seriously, I so wish I had paid more attention and still I wish I could do more. I could have given him my undivided attention, make him the top priority in my life.

But again there is so much you can do without going crazy. I could explain to him so many things, suggest  but when it comes to my own son I go numb and just cannot think enough.

Yes, it is hard to walk the walk on your own, we can show people how to walk, give them support, tools, books and sites but what to do when you cannot walk on your own. Feel helpless or ask for help? And what kind of help when you don’t even know what do you need? Strange isn’t it?

But we have to take our own step. May be one step at a time?

When we dont feel like "fitting"

Yesterday I wrote THIS and got a personal message from a friend of ours -

I know the context is very different ....
But many a times i felt the same. Sometimes one really does not feel comfortable at one place. That really does not mean the place has something wrong , people around are different than you or u r different. There is some sense which tells ... No not here ....
Many a times we act for a while and move on ... And even go there again and feel same way ... But we try to control what our mind tries to tell us.
 Kids usually don't do this ... Unless forced ... Even after forcing one has to just give up forcing ... Because they r just not happy there ...
We should try and make them feel they are lucky .. They are not forced to do anything ...
I wish ... I also can live in same way .... Do only that what pleases me ... Be there where my mind is .... Say what i mean .... And be in position to say whatever comes in mind ..... Most difficult thing .... We directly indirectly apply so many filters ... 
I wish I was so free ...
Your posts usually make my thinking process start .... I read them many a times ... And then keep on talking to myself ... 
This time i am talking to you ...
I usually don't talk to u as my mind wanders is very different direction with the same thread
. Please forgive me if anything i have written is hurting u ... I really care for u and i have great respect for u ..

When I was writing about Anand, only he was in my mind. Didn’t think it would touch any “adult” or “non-Autistic” cord. But it did. I appreciate the above respond which gave me another thought process.. We all are made differently and process differently. “J” is so right that we have so many filters and we apply them to just “fit” in the place. Our mind wonders, fortunately we know how to bring it back but kids especially autistic kids don’t have that ability. When the coach said to Anand -oh well, it was not a day for you but hopefully we will see you soon. And my son just turned into that angry man – “I am not coming here ever” I just didn’t know how to cover this up. The coach has been doing this for a long time so he knew what did Anand meant – he could read in those lines” I don’t belong here”. I felt apologetic and didn’t know what to say.. well, That’s what I am working on and need to learn more – to let my son feel that he is appreciated and lucky even with his differences.

But today I am feeling lucky to have friends around who understand why some times these filters don’t work in our family. Please know how much I appreciate the acceptance of non filtered life of ours..Thank you “J”

When you don’t fit in a place..

Which was meant to accommodate you.

Have you ever felt this? We have been told by Dr. A (Anand’s behavior therapist) that we should make extra effort to socially accommodate him, encourage him to go out and spend time with other kids. Dad and I also have been feeling the same but how and where was always a questions. When your special need child is in middle school you can feel the difference in social circle. They are not invited to so many Birthday parties or sleep over. You call his OLD friends and they don’t come running to your house anymore. So we thought of joining some social circle made for special need kids.

Last night was one of the try. Special Olympics’ basketball season in Canton. Thursday is always a busy day in Pandey household so I was little hesitant but Dad wanted to give it a try. So I met them from work and Dad brought Andy to Canton.

We met the coach and many more volunteers. They were wonderful. Andy was complaining of headache since morning so it was not a good sign anyway. But sometimes you just have to do what you need to do. A Dunkin donut treat brought him to Canton at least. Within 10 minutes we figured Andy doesn’t belong there. The assistant coach tried but it was just not the place for him. I saw a lost kid who was trying hard but just couldn’t be there. Finally in 20 minutes he was mad and angry. "I just want to go home ". The sound of the whistle, screaming kids was enough to abruptly end the basketball season for us. On the way back he was mostly quiet, we talked about importance of sports but he just didn’t want to go back to that place again.

That is the weird thing with Autism. It is custom made for you. You child will be only one piece. To find a perfect place or solution is very hard. They just don’t fit not even in a place which is designed to accommodate them. Well, the search begin again...

What to look forward to?

The year-ends and a New Year begin. Only on calendar though. We remain same as a person and just hope that whatever is not working out will take a 180 degree turn and things will be ok. We remain hopeful for another 365 days and then again analyze the past 365 days and wish for another happy days.. it’s a life cycle.

As kids go back to school today I am thinking about just last 2 weeks, mostly vacation week. We did some thing different for Anand and usual things for Ajey. Anand enjoyed Disney On Ice (I was surprised again) and I am starting to believe that I can take my son for musical events. He always loved music and I hope that he will continue to be a musical kid. Science museum was another story, he just walked around, was mostly interested in lunch and other stuffs to eat.

But what surprised me most for his interest in dinner party we had for Ajey’s friend. I had great time cooking and I believe those teenagers had greater time eating. They all came on that stormy night, I am thankful to parents who came later that night in 6-8 inches of snow to pick them up. When I was getting Anand ready to bed he said to me I want to invite my friends for dinner one day. I asked play date ? and he was - no mom, dinner. I want my friends to try Indian food. Now that blew my mind.. this sentence coming out of a kid who is not big into “trying anything new”

So this year that’s what I am looking forward to “trying out”

I hope I can find few of Anand’s friend who would like to try out his food and come for dinner. Will keep you posted. meanwhile I just wish for more "trying out new things"..

Are we just talking ???

This morning I woke up with a thought.. not with a thought actually my mind was clogged like anything and only way to clear it up is writing..Its been long since I last posted, so many things were going on at home, work, school and life.. and then many more things happened which steered the thought process in other direction.

Its strange how one can impact you so much.

Where to begin.. It might be just a random post, a rambling. Hopefully my thoughts will be clearer soon. But today you and I will have to deal with this fogginess.

The Newtown shooting shook the whole nation; I may have reacted differently than you. I turned my TV off; I just listen to NPR and some online news. Dint know why but I didn’t want to “see” just listen. Read so many facebook updates and posts saying stay around you kid, hug them, do this and do that.. But nothing of that sort happened in my home. Anand didn’t know till Saturday afternoon, his brother’s CNN addiction was the culprit. I wasn’t home and he told Anand about it. Apparently Anand didn’t say/ask anything.

Ajey and I talked on Saturday about it. He is 15 going on 30, my liberal thinker has his own opinion that If we support guns we are paving for many more tragedies. I wanted to ask/talk more but my son said that he was fine and felt sorry for the families. He was so sure that it will be talked about for few days and people will move on. They will spend money on candles and flowers but do nothing…

I knew Ashish will not wipe my tears on this matter either.

So with three different kinds of men in my home nothing different happened. No hugging, no crying, no spending time with kids or keeping them closed to heart of that sort. Nothing unusual.. Nothing new..I cooked for them the way I do and life moved on.

Then I got an email form school on Sunday that they will talk to kids on Monday about it. Anand’s principal has niece and nephews in SandyBrook Elementary.

I wrote his teacher back that I am not sure how much Anand knows.

Next day when he came home, we drove to Speech session. That 20 minutes ride is our Monday school talk time.

I asked him about the talk. He didn’t have much to say. I kept on asking and I got little bit on information. On the way back home he was quiet and then suddenly asked 

why would anyone do that?

What Anand?

Kill those kids?

And for a second the talker mom had no answer.. I just said -nno one knows honey.. They are looking for answers..

But really… are we looking for answer or we already know them? And trying to ignore and not finding the solution… ??

I think its enough for today.. some more later..

Do we run away from reality some times?

Right now I should be hitting the bed, had a pretty long day and then my class. I should be fast asleep with that Tylenol PM (damn those fancy shoes I wore.. Who asked me to work on looking good, I should just give up on that front) But here I am fighting with myself.

I heard the same thing last Friday; I was in a musical gathering, just me. It was like my time, no kids no husband. I was with people I love and they loved me with what and who I am.

So someone said to me.. You look happy, you are too good today. (

People who know me know that I am a people person. If I am out and doing what I love to do, I am a totally different person.

Today I was one of those days. Spent the whole day in Boston for Women’s conference. I was happy and enjoyed every bit of it. I have been going there for few years and come back happier than last year. It was a fabulous day, came home had something to eat and left for the class. Got back home and spend some times with the boys. We talked about their classes and school and homework. Anand said he had the fun dinner (boys have this tradition – when mom is not home they drink soda with dinner.. I cook for them before I go anywhere.. Most of the time their favorite meal)

All of sudden he said he missed me and asked me if I did miss him.  Right at that moment I was taken aback. Never thought I had to answer this question. I am a mom first, I did think of them when it was time for their bus to come or dinner time..But it is not missing them, right? I didn’t know how to explain it to him all I said yes, I did miss you.. But was thinking if it was missing or thinking about them? I didn’t feel like rushing back home whole day but was happy coming back home that I had a day just for myself and was ready to be a wife and mom.

Not sure if It makes sense to anyone but some times nothing in life makes sense, right?

It will all turn out good in the end.

Today I think I just needed to hear that.

 It was one of those days when I feel like I could do more, whatever I do, will always regret if I could do something better for my kids. Its never enough.. Whatever you do you are not happy. This day when I feel like parenting makes you most unsatisfied person on earth.

There is a mom part in me, which is asking for more every time, the other part battles and tells me count your blessing lady and be happy with what you got. Crazy stuff…huh. I wish I had a one on one talk with my mom before I decided to have kids. She would have given me some insight.. Anyway.. So when I picked up the phone I never knew that our conversation would turn that way. A crabby mom just poured her heart out to another mom and what I got was a very balance perspective on parenting.  Some times it feels good when someone can give you an ear without judging. I don’t think I could talk to many people that way on an average day but as I said it was one of those days and she was one of the role model person.. She just said that everything turns out to be good and yes another thing – you kids should know that you believe in them, you trust them.

This is my take for life.. I know it will be hard, my boys got a very short tempered and impatient mom but I will try.. Does it sound like a New Year resolution?

Here comes Anand's own blog :)

A fun and torture weekend for Anand?

Thanksgiving weekend is all about food and shopping fun for everyone.For us it was lot more than food and shopping. Wednesday was a Nutcracker fun day. Anand absolutely loved it and want to go again. But getting him ready was a ride. From my boss to my bonus money and company wants to do it and what not.. but finally it all ended great. He came back home happy.

It always has been my way of pushing him for things every other kid would do. Sometimes it does back fire and I feel bad about it but these are the occasions when I feel I am doing OK.. I do need to take my chances and see how it goes.

The next day I pushed another button – Take Anand to a wedding, an Indian Wedding. I didn’t want him to miss on something special than our everyday life.

I went there first and noticed that it will be over crowded for him. There were around 400 guests. But I still wanted him to be there.. when Anand came with Ashish and AJ  it was obvious he was done with the place within minutes, . He wanted food. Off course that was the biggest catch for my growing boys. Thank goodness for the waitress she could get a piece of Pizza for him and he was happy.

then bride came in Palanquin, Everyone was clapping and having fun and it was sensory overload for him so I settled him in another area ( next to the wedding place) with my iPhone ( Steve Job, I love you even more). It was heart breaking that my son was sitting alone somehwere.. The wedding ceremony lasted for an hour and he spend that hour with Mario. Three of us could be part of Ami’s big day and Anand spend his time in next room.. But later I thought atleast he was there and enjoyed the grand dinner with all of us. As of now I feel good about it that atleast . He didn’t enjoy as much I did but atleast we could stay the whole 2+ hours.. and that is HUGE..

So I will keep pushing him, worry about what will happen next but still keep taking (dragging???) him everywhere…

Money really matters.

This thanksgiving I think I have one very good reason to be thankful for – my job..

The way I am promising money to Anand I better have my job..

I wrote about my bribe for The Nutcracker Show.. Today one of my friend mentioned that the cinema halls will be empty why not go to movie.. We decided in a spur of a moment. So when I asked everyone about movie "life of Pi"– Anand’s first response was NO – as we knew it. But I decided to play my trick.. I asked how if I buy you the game you wanted. I promised you my bonus money but I get bonus in March.. So lets go to movie and I will buy you the game on Black Friday sale. Poor kid, he just had no choice.. Ok mom, I will come BUT will not watch the previews..

He doesn’t like the MGM lion’s roars. And we don’t know if they have any MGM previews. I knew it was a no win fight so we agreed that he will be out of the door and will come in when the movie begins. 

Ashish and I have decided not to use money for house chores. We have decided that house chores are everyone’s responsibility and we share it so no one gets paid to do stuff around the house. But I discovered that bribing of these kind are not a sign of bad parenting :)

Ashish just joked that I will go bankrupt soon.

So finally within 30 minutes we all were on our way to the Cinema Hall. It was quite, perfect for us.

Ashish and Ajey went and took the seat and Anand and I decided to walk around. We saw few posters and talked about the movie. I didn’t knew much either but gave him an idea that movie is about a kid and a tiger from India.

Finally we went in when movie began. I was just happy that he was sitting next to me and watching. He had to keep his hands to his ears many times but he did watch the whole movie.  It feels great that we could watch a movie without any meltdown or fight. Thank goodness for the video game..
It felt great, gave a sense of normallcy to watch the movie with him. Felt great that he had another experience today and he is growing up..

I will sure buy him a game soon but now I am thinking.. I should just delay one day and give a try for Sky Fall.. What do you say?

The power of Music and Dance -

When I got an email about complimentary tickets for Nutcracker dress rehearsal last month, I wondered how would it go. I always believed in giving my kids every experience atleast once, they can choose after that if they like it or not. Ajey was excited and Ashish was skeptical.

Last week finally I told Anand that we are going to see Nutcracker and company gave me the tickets and if we don’t go and behave well I will loose my bonus. ( I am so glad my boss doesnt know about my blog) I promised that I will give him a share of my bonus.. Mind that - this kid has no idea what Nut Cracker is all about. I just explained that it’s a musical show. Thank goodness for money, he agreed.

Everyday we talked about how important the good behavior is when you meet people mom and dad work with, why we need to wear the good clothes or cannot shout or scream. I tried my best to prepare him but was worried how will all this work out.

Finally the day was here.. Last night we sat and talked. All he cared about my bonus money and what will he buy with that. Whatever works was my mantra..

This morning we all got ready, I gave him a button down shirt ( he doesnt like it) and he did wear it. We left home and I read the synopsis on the way. We talked little bit about it, I wasn’t sure how much he got out of it.

We reached there and I was relieved that it wasn’t a busy place. It was a dress rehearsal and reception just for State Street families. Tons of cookies and cake, he was happy. He met everyone nicely, talked and behaved very well.

Then he found his friend Bear and Mouse.. For a change my son asked for a picture.. And then we went in for the show. We got the front row- awesome, perfect volume – wonderful.. The show began and my son was in some other world. I enjoyed watching him more than the show. I checked couple of times he was just ecstatic. Ajey and Anand both are musical kids. I was sure Ajey will enjoy it but was worried about Anand. During break he couldn’t stop smiling. He watched the whole show without asking anything. I agree those dancers were great but if they could make my son sit and watch and enjoy… they were incredible.

The ride back home he was very quiet, didn’t say much. I cannot wait for morning to talk to him about it. I am so happy. I am glad I tried and my baby surprised me again.

And Credit Goes to Santa -

We have been trying to teach Anand about money and expenses. He always thinks that buying stuff and eating out is a norm. Ajey & Anand don’t ask for too many things but when they want it has to be the best. So we have been talking about how we cannot buy everything he wants. His first question always is how much money you have?

So last month we decided, we would give him $5 as allowance every Friday.

He has been meaning to get Xbox controller for Wii and a game. So we thought it’s a good motivation. The deal is - be good, do your chores and you will get allowance (not paid for chores) every week. So when we remind him and if he is in good mood dishwasher is loaded, shoe rack is clean and clothes are in hanger not on floor.

  So far he has $25 saved. This weekend he tried one of friend’s controllers and he couldn’t save the game. My intelligent husband steps in and somehow convinced Anand that it’s not worth the money to buy this controller if he cannot save the game. That night When Ashish came to bed he was all smiling that we wont have to spend that $110 on controller and game. Anand agrees to buy a Wii game. What Ashish didn’t know that our son is not gonna “sleep on” that idea. He must be awake and thinking about all the options (offcourse mom’s genes will kick in somewhere :))He plays on his iPad every morning waiting for his van. That morning my son used his time so effectively and did his research. . Damn Google -my husband is just not happy with you. When Ashish walks in home from work last night Anand goes to dad and says guess what all we need is just the memory card with controllers and it will work dad.. Dad says but we don’t have that much money you will have to save till April and here comes the reply.. You don’t worry, just get me the game and controller and I will ask Santa to get me the memory card.. Oh well. We, parents love Santa, Don’t we ? he gets the credit for what we do :)..

What makes us a “mom” - a “Special Mom”

Being a parent is the most challenging job in any case, so I will not say that we are doing anything special, Its just with our children we become Special Mom.

The last week was a roller coaster ride, with Diwali, busy work, school work and meeting special moms.. I had so much to write but the thought process could not come down to paper.

Everyday had a new episode of joy, fun, sadness, worries and again satisfaction.

I heard that I was the greatest cook, best mom to worst mom ever in complimentary form. There are days when I feel I cannot do it anymore, someone holds my hand and makes me feel special.

A gentle hug from Ajey when I couldn’t stop my tears saying Its ok Mom.. A nice cup of tea from Ashish (he hates making my special Tea, too much work he says) and one of those moment when I get a compliment from Anand that I am the best mom makes me feel special. It’s a beautiful Sunday morning; Anand raving about his new wimpy kid book makes me happy. He is a happy kid today and I wish it could stay the same ..

Why does it sound like Autumn???

Today I went to get a book from Amy W. When I was about to leave Anand was ready to go with me. These days I do take him wherever I can. I feel that more he goes out and sees things more he will learn.. His trip was great, he came back extremely happy. It was one of those house where he felt he was home.. Thanks Amy, You have a fan in town..

On my way back we were talking about various things, all of sudden he asked why did you go to that house. I told him about the book I wanted. Next question what is the book about and I explained it’s about Autism. There were times when I tried to explain to him about Autism but it never made sense to him. I thought today is the time, Its just both of us on the road. So I asked him do you know you have Autism? Do you know what it is.. I had to choose my words very carefully. At the same time I didn’t know how to explain and what to say but I had to give it a shot. I tried to explain how 4 th grade was hard for him, How things don’t make sense to him sometimes, how loud noise bothers him, how he watches same things over and over again. He suddenly said like I am obsessed with candy corns? It was hard for me to explain how the obsession with candy corn is different than the obsession I was talking about. Then we talked about how he gets angry and shouts and argues. And here comes the reply Oh so Ajey also has Autism? And you too mom.. You argue with Ajey ( anyone who has a 15 years old at home will know about those arguments).. At that time I just couldn’t say anything except smile ..oh yes, honey you are right.. I think I do have Autism.. Guess he is not yet ready to know the details.. we both were quiet then.. After a long silence he says why does Autism sound like Autumn mom??? I wish I could answer that but my heart aches even thinking about it. We all love Autumn here but it was a dreading season in India. Nothing to love about autumn it was just a resemblance of end of liveliness.  Really??? That’s what Autism is???? End of liveliness???