Hindi Manch Sahitya Sammelan and Blue Saree - something for me something for Anand.

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Saree no-#12
So this saree is a tribute to the love of family. I was in India in 2012 and was in love with auqa blue and so wanted a peacock saree. Offcourse I couldn’t find one. Later my sister Seema bought this saree in Chennai. It was not the aqua I was looking for but the whole saree was just right for me.

This saree is blue and I am wearing it in the month of April for Autism Awareness and acceptance month and that makes it special.

Anand was eight when we finally got the diagnosis. His comprehension wasn’t up to his age and it took us really long time to figure out. He was interested in art and music but language was just not his thing. It was a tough year for all us. We all were learning to deal with his strengths and weakness and trying to figure out the best for him. My sister Seema wrote to me – “this world needs artist and musician and good human being, we don’t need only doctors or engineer”.

My sisters Seema Varsha and Smita are my biggest strength. They learnt and read all about Autism and shower my son with their unconditional love.

Last Sunday I wore this saree to an event I was part of. I love being part of Hindi Manch. I was mcing and suddenly thought of my son. I got the love for literature from my parents and coulnot pass it on to my son. Made me sad for a bit but then this blue saree held me together.

So this saree didn’t come with the memory but made a memory.

My love for my son is beyond any color but here it is - A blue Saree in April for him.

This entry is a part of #100SareePact blogseries on facebook.
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Saree No 14
#AutismAcceptance
#100Sareepact
#Gratitude
#MomLovesAnand
The Saree itself doesn't have any story, simple synthetic saree from my sister's closet.
But the story is - it is a BLUE saree.
Many of you know that my younger son is on Autism Spectrum. he is a great kid with his share of strength and weakness like all of us.
Words and emotion and social norm dont come easy to him but music and art are his thing. He could play piano by ears when he was young. He decided he doesnt want to bothered by practice everyday and the piano lesson stoped that day. But still he is my to go person for artist and songs and albums. you want to know anything about any Pink Floyd song, he is your guy.
I decided to wear all blue sarees in the month of April to raise awareness and accept him the way he is..
The Saree pact gave me a reason to take all the blue sarees out of my closet. I was in Hindi Manch Program last weekend and some one asked about Saree pact and many asked about my son. I have been wearing blue sarees and people start to notice it. If I wore blue shirt or Salwar Kurta I don't think anyone would have cared.
I took out this blue saree to go to a Musical Gathering last night and someone again said -ahha, another blue. How is Anand doing?
So ladies here is a big shout out to you all - thank you for sharing this journey with us.. with much love and gratitude.

Anand wearing Dad's glasses and having fun..

Story about Samta - a last blue saree for the Autism month - April

This entry is a part of #100SareePact blogseries on facebook.

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#‎AutismAcceptance‬
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Saree No - 18
A blue and yellow combination for today.
This saree is a gift from my Chachi – Samta. She married papa’s youngest brother but for us she is just Samta Darling. She came to our family in a very dark time.
Papa’s younger brother was killed in an accident in 1986. He was in his thirties, left two daughters 5 and 1.The next year Chhote Chacha got married but our home wasn’t the same. It was a sad house; But Chhoti Chachi soon made it better and became our darling, always happy and smiling. She is a good chhoti bahu for family and a great friend and advisor for us. Even now when I go to India, her home is my adda in MP. She loves me, my boys and my husband just the way we are.. She still fulfils my wishes with mouthwatering Khaza, Gujhia, Hara chana or any leafy vegetables, the food I love. My chacha is a lucky man.Chachi darling I love u.

This is my last blue saree for Autism month. I am thankful to have you all in this journey with me.
Thank you very much to all of you for all your love.
Your unconditional love means a lot to us.
Anand was 8 when we formally got the diagnosis in 2008. Feb 2009 we went to India for my sister’s wedding and the reality struck me. No one in the family understood what Anand and we were going through. My sisters read and learnt a lot but Autism is a spectrum, so wide that there is no explanation for so many things. I was shocked to hear the suggestions and reasoning from many of our own families for his behavior and limitations.

So when I came back I started a blog to write about our life, to educate family and friends, to let them know that he is a kid with different skill set and thinking. His abilities are different than other kids in the family, his own brother. I needed to talk about our strength, happiness and struggles, good days and bad days. Please take time to read about him, us and Autism. You might be more considerate to others that would be the best thing.
MomLovesAnand.Blogspot.com
I wore this saree to office today,and Anand took my pic after I came from work.

Ajey and his college search

I grew up with many cousins and have many stories to share about that time. But one in particular pops up time to time.

Today on this rainy and gloomy day after reading Ajey’s face book post I felt weird and felt compelled to write. as a mom I want him to be happy and do what excites him but at the same time I want him to successful by his meanings and by society standard.

I am very close to all my cousins and today remind me of one in particular (who is 4 yrs older than me). I remember once we were talking about life we want. I was thinking I would want a simple, ordinary and traditional life and she was full of adventure and she would have loved the ups and downs of life. Fast-forward 20 years later she is living in a 100 miles area she grew up and went to school, living a typical life with her husband and two great kids. Having all her family around. And here I am continent away from all of them, living absolutely non-traditional and adventurous life.  My husband is such a different kind of man, a great husband and partner and kids are different thinkers. Our life and values don’t fit in a typical Indian or non-Indian style. Today’s ajey’s blog on facebook made me think. What do we do as parents to create such kids. I am a proud and worried mom today.
Next year this time he would be somewhere navigating his way around on his own, Hope he finds his path and achieve the success he wants not a traditional world.

Ajey - Oct 11th, 2014

I’m having an existential crisis about college. As I (haphazardly) vet colleges for curricula, research spots, and that mystical fog they call “school culture,” I keep asking myself: Is college worth hundreds of thousands in tuition? Is it worth the crushing stress I keep hearing about? Are my only two choices student debt and poverty?

Do I have to go to college?

Sure, college gives me an education. But I don’t need to pay $60,000 a year for that. There’s OpenCourseWare, Coursera, edX, and Khan Academy. I can learn multivariable calculus, mechatronics, cybersecurity, or whatever else my heart desires for free. I don’t have to endure cramped seats with near-useless desks. I don’t have to struggle not to sleep in an 8AM lecture. I don’t have to panic about missing material because I zoned out for a minute. I can learn whatever I want, whenever I want, with just the Internet and an open mind.

Oh, but then I can’t talk to professors! I can’t work in labs, where the real learning happens! Actually, I can. I can contact professors -- their emails are all online -- and ask for unpaid work in their labs. If I ask around enough, at least one person will say yes, no matter how inexperienced I am. I’ve done it, and I have a now-defunct college ID and some rudimentary coding experience to prove it. And eventually, after a few online courses and unpaid internships, some lab might actually pay me, thanks to something called “job experience.” Sure, the check would be small, but it would sure beat a tuition bill.

And no, I would not miss out on college life. I could still eat out, talk to people, go to clubs, and do...whatever else sociable people do. Dorms don’t have the monopoly on friendship. Campus centers don’t have locked doors. And frat parties probably don’t check for college IDs. Why should I drain my parents’ 401(k) to have a social life? Coffee shops abound, food is already inevitable, and no one turns down Super Smash Bros. And that’s all *I* need to find friends.

So the only reason left to attend college is, “You need that diploma.” But do I? I’m going into engineering, not medicine or academia. Instead of college, I could take lab work and side jobs, which would still give me the experience, skills, and contacts that would help me get a *real* job later on. Why get an embroidered piece of paper that says I can engineer when I can get a resume that says so instead? Employers won’t care about college after my first job, so why not replace college with real work?

Honestly, I could skip college and spend those four years as an educational nomad. I could jump between working in labs, moonlighting in retail, teaching remedial writing at a community college, contributing to a local magazine, learning Python or calculus online, making music, and simply observing the world. I would still get a solid education. I would still have a rigorous curriculum. And I would still set myself up for a solid career. But instead of walking out with a cloud of debt and vague memories of boring lectures, I would walk out with money in my pocket, real experience to build on, and the freedom that comes with being beholden to no one.

Which begs the question: Why am I still applying?

The canaries - a tale of inquisitive Ajey

Last night we watched “Zero Dark Thirty"

Ashish and I watched it in theaters but many a times watching at home helps and this was one of those movie. Ajey loves history so he sat with us too. My rule follower son Anand refused because it was rated R.

So we started movie and it took longer than its course. So many side references and we had to talk about it. Ajey was 4 when 9/11 happened but he amazed me with his knowledge. I know he is similar to me in many ways. ( though I am so glad he got his dad's Math and Science brain) we both love to read things which are useless and have nothing to do with us. Google and Wikipedia links have the power to take us anywhere. We both wander around and when we come back to reality we realize how much time we “wasted”. 

Last night was one of those reminders that it is never useless, we gain knowledge, it may seem useless at times but it is indeed some information.

So we were watching the movie and talking. He knew many details and events, but the most amazing detail for me was " the canaries" those were the special planes that took the seals to kill Osama Bin Laden.

And I just said why name them canaries- Ajey replied - the canneries are the bird used in coal mine to assess danger. If they stop chirping you get out. And we moved on to the movie. But this one thing got stuck with me. Those tiny little references, minor details they all have those Wikipedia, redit, twitter and face book stamps on them, he not only reads, he remembers and uses them when needed.

I know it might sound like I am bragging about my son. Please, believe me we had been through enough of fights when we both didn't agree on anything. We both thought the other one thinks I know nothing or I know everything and you don’t understand me :)

But this time I do think my 17 yrs old does know many things and I have no idea about them.

PS- People who are new to my blog - Usually I post about our life with Anand - my 14 yrs old son on Autism Spectrum. I feel Autism is what defines us as a family. Ajey is my older son, he is 17 (going on 40) and loves Math and Science, words are his strength. He wants to be an Engineer. Today I thought I should write about him here.

What does happy look like...

We lost a very dear friend 17 yrs ago, pain and memories faded but one of his statements is still stuck to me – "you plan 100 things but only 101st thing will happen. We can dream and imagine all we want but end would always be something different."

 My weekend trip to Boston with Anand was just a reminder of it. 

I spent my Friday with Ajey in NYC and thought I should spend my Saturday with Anand in Boston. As you know we cannot MAKE him do things, we had talked about it and planned. Things were OK till we reached train station. It was a beautiful Saturday and I was so looking forward to a nice day in Boston with him. All of sudden he just didn’t want to go. With the Aquarium pass and a train ticket in hand I just didn’t know what to do. I tried all my options, bribes and “if not” finally he gave up so he wouldn’t lose his videogame time.

A very dear friend just suggested me last week not to talk to him at all when he is angry, pacifying the situation with autistic kids is just not a good idea she mentioned. As train left the station I took a deep breath and just reminded myself to leave him alone for the next 3o minutes. He was very angry so sat on the other seat and just looked outside the whole time. I think that helped him, he loves the train.

Meanwhile I helped a tourist couple to find attractions in Boston and plan their trip, when we reached backbay he asked for Dunkin coolatta to “calm him down”. I told him we would help those guys to find the stop and then we can do whatever he wants. He agreed and I knew we are in a better place.

A large Coolatta was a blessing that day, he was much better and asked what is the plan for the day.

We sat outside the station and talked what we can do. The sun was shining and it was much happier by then. We talked, said sorry to each other and promised that we will have fun. And then one extraordinary day began; we went to Aquarium, spent time on Kennedy way and went to Hay market. That was the high light of my day. My son who hates shopping spent his 25 minutes shopping with mom and helped her carry the stuff. The next stop was Boston public library. He was HOME. He loved reading book for an hour and I was soaking in the happiness. I enjoyed just watching him and pondering what was going on just few hours ago in his mind. I had to remind him that it was time to catch the train back home and without a word he packed the book, stacked them in right shelves and picked up our bags to help me carry my stuff. We talked, laughed and decided we should do it again.. …a mom son time... I guess we will do it again without the meltdown .. 

and yes - the HAPPY looks like this -

The Meeting nightmare

We all, as a parent, wonder if we are doing the right thing.

We falter; stumble upon and many a times struggle if we are on the correct path. We do what is best for our kids, but we always question too if at all we are doing what we can to our maximum capacity? Can we do more?

We always meet parents who are doing lot more than us or sometimes we feel lot better ourselves compare to others. But we all know there is no right or wrong when it comes to parenting. It is custom made and for Special Parents it is doubly custom made. What is right today could completely go wrong tomorrow. And you question your own decisions and thoughts and rituals and feelings.

I am in that roller coaster ride these days.  Anand is almost 14 and it is a special number in Special Need world in Massachusetts. The transition services kick in. Basically you are planning a future for your child officially.

Now here I am visiting 100s of sites, meeting everyone I can, ask questions and read as much I can. Meanwhile job, cooking, laundry, home and social need of life still awaits you. You try to do everything and realize you are not doing it at all.

Its been going on for days and I wonder if at all I did the right thing for his special education all these years. Did I not research enough, did I not think it through, I could have taken him for  more therapies he needed, could have done more to see if he needed more help. I should have spent more time with him. I trusted his teachers for doing the right thing, let the school district find the best solution. For me they are the ones who know everything not me. I always felt they guided us in a right direction. He loves them and happy in school for the most part.

Then you meet other parents, listen to stories about fights for services and question your own decision.

We meet  for Anand’s transition meeting in couple of days and this time I am not going  the the way I used to go. I want to read more, learn more know more but this is making me so unhappy so uncomfortable. I feel sad and wrong that I am questioning what will happen tomorrow. And for me it is so heartbreaking. But looks like this is called parenting and for me it is the state of being indecisive.
But for now I will hold on to one - here is my inspiration and will keep me going ..
( Anand with his Science Project on Science Fair day in school)

Time to move on

Today I thought of writing about Ajey, my older son. “Time to move on” that's what he said and a part of me just couldn’t believe.
 He has been playing violin since he was 7+. It all stared in Third grade with Franklin String school then private classes and High School Repertory orchestra and many more fun playing. Since he moved to Math and Science Academy in his junior year we knew it will be a difficult balance but he managed till December. But his c term changed everything. We talked, tried and finally we realized that it would just not work. Violin is not a very forgiving instrument it is very demanding hobby. He just didn’t have that one extra hour or energy for violin every day. I still feel he could have done it but whom I was kidding with. He is almost 17, he would spend his hour chatting, facebooking and texting rather than violin. So this morning he said he cannot think of continuing his private lesson anymore and doesn’t want to do violin. He will still play for fun and make music but not structured class anymore. As a mom I knew that I couldn’t stretch anymore and have to respect but at the same time I was sad. I was always proud of his musical abilities. I never played any instrument but seeing him play was rewarding enough for me. But I guess I need to let him explore new world. He stared listening to Indian Music that should be enough to hold on for now. I hope he will be able to pickup somewhere in his life but for now mom will have to be happy with the memories. Time to move on my son, spread your wings and learn something new but don’t forget what you learnt and had. some times it is good to come back to that.

Photo of Ajey - Playing in Symphony Hall with his Repertory Orchestra last year. 

Where is my god and what is my religion?

When I thought of writing today I was not sure if I should write about this. But that’s all is going on in my mind. I am sure I am touching a very sensitive topic but please bear with me, because if I cannot speak what I feel, or if I worry that my friends will judge me what is point in telling my story to you anyway.

I stopped writing few months ago thinking it was becoming my monologue about our life. I got few emails and messages asking about my next blog and I conveniently ignored it. I thought my main purpose was to let my close friends and families know about our journey, was it really helpful? During my recent trip to India I realized that many of the people around us see “Anand and Autism” just a tiny part of our life. I couldn’t explain to them that it IS our life now. Our life revolves around that and nothing matters more than our kids.

Anyway, those discussions are topic of another blog. Today it is all about God and religion. I have given many advices from medicines to prayers to fasting to charity and do many more things to ”cure” Anand. I am sure many thinks that its all god’s plan. But here I am, thinking where is GOD in this plan?

I was born in a religious Hindu family; my dad is very strong believer of dharma. I grew up having all festivals, rituals, prayers, mantra and sholkas but did I really believe in those? I guess not. I questioned those believes many a times. Having been married to an agnostic for a long time  I think I started thinking like him. So when I am having days like today I go back to the original thinking – Why us. (http://momlovesanand.blogspot.com/2012/10/it-could-be-worse.html)

Today I was reading about the book "The Secret" and "Laws of Attraction". 

The article talked about faith and believing in the positives. But somehow I feel like questioning. What kind of faith and what kind of God. All these years I did ask those question, went through many cycles of emotions. I didn’t find any answer or comfort but figured what I needed to know. God or no god.. I guess motherhood is my religion now.

13 is just a number

Many phone calls and emails on July 16th wanted one person who was turning 13 that day. That one silly, cute, handsome, goofy, funny, young man was taking it all in. I have been telling him that he is a teen now and growing big and that means more responsibilities and chores. I said, I will teach him to do the laundry now. He brother was very excited thinking his has someone to share his work and here comes the reply – mom 13 is just a number :)

Anand’s Bday is always a bitter sweet day for me. I am proud and happy to see him grow and learn new things. But at the same time I feel sad seeing him miss age appropriate milestone. I wrote – “It could be worse” but most of the time I feel why did it turn this way. Why do I have to feel this way?  Why couldn’t I just celebrate the 13^th Bday with a teen with teen tantrum? All he wanted was a dinner at Taco bell. Really? That’s all? Nothing else. No cake, no party just taco’s - only from taco bell.  We took him for ice-cream but that was not in the list.

Anand went to an overnight camp. I had to bribe him with some DS games so he would atleast try the camp. He got those games last weekend, So there wasn’t any game in the Bday wish list either. How I wish he had endless wish list like a teen.

But for him 13 is just a number. For me again it’s reminder to celebrate the good I got and work on things which we can improve and move on with what we don’t have.. Thank you Anand, you are right, 13 is just a number..

Another day of a different motherhood.

I have always said that I am not a perfect mother or wife material. My philosophy in life sometimes doesn’t match with social standard, and I am Ok with that.

With Anand going to camp a part in me was very happy. Not only just for him that he will experience something new and enjoy it. I was excited and happy for me too that I will for a change have a different routine. I thought I will not come back home from work and roam around city, watch movies or go to someplace for kids free dinner. It’s not that I haven’t done these things before. But I never was a free mom. I would go out and have fun and still in my mind I would think about them. But still sending him to camp was a ticket to a free world to me. I have been telling my older son that for these 4 days he is on his own. I am not thinking about cooking or laundry or anything. I am not sure if it is a sign of being selfish but I had this free time image in my head.

Yesterday I came back home with a little weird feeling. He was happy and having fun with the counselor, chit chatting about his game. I Got a nice good bye hug and off he went. On my way back I was not sure how I was feeling sad or happy. By the evening I couldn’t think of anything else but him.

So far I have called camp 3 times and I know he is not sad and unhappy. They didn’t call to ask me to come back and take him, that’s a good sign, right?

Now here I am thinking what is going on. I wanted this time for me but when I have it I am not able to enjoy it. Is it called motherhood? What happed to my freespirit? Why cannot just get out and not think about him constantly. I guess I do have some mother instinct. I do miss my baby and I know he is having fun. Now it’s my time to have some fun so I will a better mom when he comes back.

A different night and hope for a brighter morning..

It is a different night in Pandey household.

Anand will be 13 next week and I don’t remember him sleeping away even for a night. Kids on spectrum don’t get to experience the usual fun stuff so sleep over is nor something they would do. Few months ago when I read about Camp Havago I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do that. But mom in me wanted him to have the usual growing up experience. It has been my mission to help my son find his circle of friends. He is in such a place that finding a friend is very difficult.

So here comes the night he is off to Camp for 4 nights. I cannot believe it. It started with “I don’t want any camp” to “ I hate camps” to somehow “OK, but you will pick me up every night” to “ OK, I will try” It started with a little push - you have to do it, Doc and school want you to learn few things” to bribe ( I will buy to a 3 DS) to OK you should give it a try. I have to give credit to his behavior therapist Doc A too. He was instrumental in explaining Anand how important the camp life is. How much fun it could be.

So finally we went to the open house and it changed everything. My son has a way to steal the heart. Those counselors are well trained and Anand is a charming kid. We went with a grumpy kid who went there only so he could eat out. But I brought home back a happy kid who was looking forward to the camp.

I couldn’t believe my ears when he said he will go to the camp. But he was worried how would he sleep away from home and we talked about it in bits and pieces.

So finally he is going to camp tomorrow and here we were planning and packing.

It has been a great Monday for him after few days in Maine and a movie and ice cream Monday with dad he was a happy kids. I am sure it might have hit him hard. I was trying to pack and trying to engage him and all of sudden it was just an outburst. “I don’t want to go to camp” He threw away all those ironed clothes, fought with dad and screamed and shouted. Within minutes all those stacked clothes were on floor.

I now think Ashish was right when he commented that Anand is going to a summer camp, nobody cares if the shirts are ironed or not.

So after talking and pasta dinner and ice cream dessert my son is off to bed with a calm mind and here I am thinking and wondering what the hell happened. I know he is nervous and it was just his way of saying that he is worried and nervous. I am in the same boat. I cannot wait for him to enjoy those days and have a different experience. I am looking forward to have 4 days to my self when I will have different evenings.

So here we are doing what we can to ease ourselves. Ashish watching TV, I am typing my blog and hopefully boys are sleeping.

Wonder how Autism changes world and its meaning to families like us.

Hopefully it will be a different morning and when he comes back on Saturday he will be happier Anand.

Passing along our dreams to our children

It has been more than 6 weeks and this thought is still stuck with me. Many things happened but I cannot write about them unless I take this out.I was resisting writing about it, didn’t want to make it a whining post. But it just stopped me from writing anything else so today is a day when it has to be out..

In March during one musical show I met two of my online friends. We had never met before face to face but it felt we have known each other for a long time. The common factor was Hindi Music. We three could talk hours about our love for music, what we liked and who was out favorite singer, musician and lyrists. One of them even runs a site for nonstop music. That day we talked how our kids are not so much in love with our music, what will they do with our collection after us and what not.

I always felt that our children are very lucky. They have exposure to so many things music included. They develop their taste on their own and then they choose what they like most. I shouldn’t and cannot expect them to love Jagjit Singh’s the way I do. They won’t hum or sing those old Hindi songs I grew up with but still as parents we give them the opportunity and drag them to many of these concerts.

The Learn Quest Music Festival was one of those times. I took Ajey to listen Malladi Brothers and he witnesses the magic of sitar from Ustad Shahid Parvez. He was happy and had great time. He had too many questions and loose ends and I needed to find someone to answer all these. The next day he listened to none other than M. BalmuraliKrishna and there he found the full circle of Hindustani Music. And that’s where I found how sad I was. I could see him enjoying and living the moment and couldn’t stop thinking how badly I so wish I could give Anand the same experience. I felt sad for me and him that I cannot provide and enrich him with this experience. He is missing an familiarity which is so important to me. As a mom at that time I didn’t need to worry if Ajey will ever listen to Hindustani Music I was just sad that Anand will not experience the beauty of this kind of music. He loves music and is a great fan of Pink Floyd and electronic music and whatever his brother or dad listened to. But it aches to think he would not know the beauty of sitar or ragas or a khayal or thumari or Bollywood music.

Well we can just try and hope for and admit sometime that we cannot pass on everything to our kids or atleast I couldn’t do that. I wish you very best that you can..

By the way if you want to read Ajey’s experience here is the link.

Who is your friend?

You meet people, some stick with you and some just fade away.

Sometimes they just make you feel that you are there as you. It may be a temporary feeling but at that point nothing matters for them just you.

I met some very wonderful, smart, funny, caring women yesterday. Some of them I met for the first time. They all are moms to wonderful kids but at that time they all were there just as friends. They all talked about kids, movies, TV  and schools.

 I was there just listening and was enjoying that conversation. So many times I felt I don’t belong there but many times I felt that I JUST belong there. It was a very comforting feeling and then when I talked about my boys. It was funny how all of sudden I felt I am in the right place. Many of them didn’t know me but it didn’t stop them from being there for me. It was not a support group for special moms but they made me feel it was. Their suggestion, their instinct and observations helped me look into different side. No doubt it was an underground network of moms who love each other and love each other’s kids.

Some time you feel that you have known people for long time, some of them you meet often but you don’t get that “feeling”, but at the same time you meet people and they just connect to you.

You are right “DH” – “These are wonderful, smart, funny, caring women with awesome kids” and yes I had one of those lucky days yesterday.

When you actually have to walk the walk.

Sitting in that support group room how mad and sad I was. There was a dad with a newly diagnosed kid, how many questions and worries and eagerness to find all the answers, to know what will happen next. How he wanted to know so many things right then and there. And here I was with so many answers and explanations. At the same time I kept on thinking I wish I had this knowledge 8 years ago. I so wish I had taken it seriously, I so wish I had paid more attention and still I wish I could do more. I could have given him my undivided attention, make him the top priority in my life.

But again there is so much you can do without going crazy. I could explain to him so many things, suggest  but when it comes to my own son I go numb and just cannot think enough.

Yes, it is hard to walk the walk on your own, we can show people how to walk, give them support, tools, books and sites but what to do when you cannot walk on your own. Feel helpless or ask for help? And what kind of help when you don’t even know what do you need? Strange isn’t it?

But we have to take our own step. May be one step at a time?

When we dont feel like "fitting"

Yesterday I wrote THIS and got a personal message from a friend of ours -

I know the context is very different ....
But many a times i felt the same. Sometimes one really does not feel comfortable at one place. That really does not mean the place has something wrong , people around are different than you or u r different. There is some sense which tells ... No not here ....
Many a times we act for a while and move on ... And even go there again and feel same way ... But we try to control what our mind tries to tell us.
 Kids usually don't do this ... Unless forced ... Even after forcing one has to just give up forcing ... Because they r just not happy there ...
We should try and make them feel they are lucky .. They are not forced to do anything ...
I wish ... I also can live in same way .... Do only that what pleases me ... Be there where my mind is .... Say what i mean .... And be in position to say whatever comes in mind ..... Most difficult thing .... We directly indirectly apply so many filters ... 
I wish I was so free ...
Your posts usually make my thinking process start .... I read them many a times ... And then keep on talking to myself ... 
This time i am talking to you ...
I usually don't talk to u as my mind wanders is very different direction with the same thread
. Please forgive me if anything i have written is hurting u ... I really care for u and i have great respect for u ..

When I was writing about Anand, only he was in my mind. Didn’t think it would touch any “adult” or “non-Autistic” cord. But it did. I appreciate the above respond which gave me another thought process.. We all are made differently and process differently. “J” is so right that we have so many filters and we apply them to just “fit” in the place. Our mind wonders, fortunately we know how to bring it back but kids especially autistic kids don’t have that ability. When the coach said to Anand -oh well, it was not a day for you but hopefully we will see you soon. And my son just turned into that angry man – “I am not coming here ever” I just didn’t know how to cover this up. The coach has been doing this for a long time so he knew what did Anand meant – he could read in those lines” I don’t belong here”. I felt apologetic and didn’t know what to say.. well, That’s what I am working on and need to learn more – to let my son feel that he is appreciated and lucky even with his differences.

But today I am feeling lucky to have friends around who understand why some times these filters don’t work in our family. Please know how much I appreciate the acceptance of non filtered life of ours..Thank you “J”

When you don’t fit in a place..

Which was meant to accommodate you.

Have you ever felt this? We have been told by Dr. A (Anand’s behavior therapist) that we should make extra effort to socially accommodate him, encourage him to go out and spend time with other kids. Dad and I also have been feeling the same but how and where was always a questions. When your special need child is in middle school you can feel the difference in social circle. They are not invited to so many Birthday parties or sleep over. You call his OLD friends and they don’t come running to your house anymore. So we thought of joining some social circle made for special need kids.

Last night was one of the try. Special Olympics’ basketball season in Canton. Thursday is always a busy day in Pandey household so I was little hesitant but Dad wanted to give it a try. So I met them from work and Dad brought Andy to Canton.

We met the coach and many more volunteers. They were wonderful. Andy was complaining of headache since morning so it was not a good sign anyway. But sometimes you just have to do what you need to do. A Dunkin donut treat brought him to Canton at least. Within 10 minutes we figured Andy doesn’t belong there. The assistant coach tried but it was just not the place for him. I saw a lost kid who was trying hard but just couldn’t be there. Finally in 20 minutes he was mad and angry. "I just want to go home ". The sound of the whistle, screaming kids was enough to abruptly end the basketball season for us. On the way back he was mostly quiet, we talked about importance of sports but he just didn’t want to go back to that place again.

That is the weird thing with Autism. It is custom made for you. You child will be only one piece. To find a perfect place or solution is very hard. They just don’t fit not even in a place which is designed to accommodate them. Well, the search begin again...

What to look forward to?

The year-ends and a New Year begin. Only on calendar though. We remain same as a person and just hope that whatever is not working out will take a 180 degree turn and things will be ok. We remain hopeful for another 365 days and then again analyze the past 365 days and wish for another happy days.. it’s a life cycle.

As kids go back to school today I am thinking about just last 2 weeks, mostly vacation week. We did some thing different for Anand and usual things for Ajey. Anand enjoyed Disney On Ice (I was surprised again) and I am starting to believe that I can take my son for musical events. He always loved music and I hope that he will continue to be a musical kid. Science museum was another story, he just walked around, was mostly interested in lunch and other stuffs to eat.

But what surprised me most for his interest in dinner party we had for Ajey’s friend. I had great time cooking and I believe those teenagers had greater time eating. They all came on that stormy night, I am thankful to parents who came later that night in 6-8 inches of snow to pick them up. When I was getting Anand ready to bed he said to me I want to invite my friends for dinner one day. I asked play date ? and he was - no mom, dinner. I want my friends to try Indian food. Now that blew my mind.. this sentence coming out of a kid who is not big into “trying anything new”

So this year that’s what I am looking forward to “trying out”

I hope I can find few of Anand’s friend who would like to try out his food and come for dinner. Will keep you posted. meanwhile I just wish for more "trying out new things"..

Are we just talking ???

This morning I woke up with a thought.. not with a thought actually my mind was clogged like anything and only way to clear it up is writing..Its been long since I last posted, so many things were going on at home, work, school and life.. and then many more things happened which steered the thought process in other direction.

Its strange how one can impact you so much.

Where to begin.. It might be just a random post, a rambling. Hopefully my thoughts will be clearer soon. But today you and I will have to deal with this fogginess.

The Newtown shooting shook the whole nation; I may have reacted differently than you. I turned my TV off; I just listen to NPR and some online news. Dint know why but I didn’t want to “see” just listen. Read so many facebook updates and posts saying stay around you kid, hug them, do this and do that.. But nothing of that sort happened in my home. Anand didn’t know till Saturday afternoon, his brother’s CNN addiction was the culprit. I wasn’t home and he told Anand about it. Apparently Anand didn’t say/ask anything.

Ajey and I talked on Saturday about it. He is 15 going on 30, my liberal thinker has his own opinion that If we support guns we are paving for many more tragedies. I wanted to ask/talk more but my son said that he was fine and felt sorry for the families. He was so sure that it will be talked about for few days and people will move on. They will spend money on candles and flowers but do nothing…

I knew Ashish will not wipe my tears on this matter either.

So with three different kinds of men in my home nothing different happened. No hugging, no crying, no spending time with kids or keeping them closed to heart of that sort. Nothing unusual.. Nothing new..I cooked for them the way I do and life moved on.

Then I got an email form school on Sunday that they will talk to kids on Monday about it. Anand’s principal has niece and nephews in SandyBrook Elementary.

I wrote his teacher back that I am not sure how much Anand knows.

Next day when he came home, we drove to Speech session. That 20 minutes ride is our Monday school talk time.

I asked him about the talk. He didn’t have much to say. I kept on asking and I got little bit on information. On the way back home he was quiet and then suddenly asked 

why would anyone do that?

What Anand?

Kill those kids?

And for a second the talker mom had no answer.. I just said -nno one knows honey.. They are looking for answers..

But really… are we looking for answer or we already know them? And trying to ignore and not finding the solution… ??

I think its enough for today.. some more later..

Do we run away from reality some times?

Right now I should be hitting the bed, had a pretty long day and then my class. I should be fast asleep with that Tylenol PM (damn those fancy shoes I wore.. Who asked me to work on looking good, I should just give up on that front) But here I am fighting with myself.

I heard the same thing last Friday; I was in a musical gathering, just me. It was like my time, no kids no husband. I was with people I love and they loved me with what and who I am.

So someone said to me.. You look happy, you are too good today. (

People who know me know that I am a people person. If I am out and doing what I love to do, I am a totally different person.

Today I was one of those days. Spent the whole day in Boston for Women’s conference. I was happy and enjoyed every bit of it. I have been going there for few years and come back happier than last year. It was a fabulous day, came home had something to eat and left for the class. Got back home and spend some times with the boys. We talked about their classes and school and homework. Anand said he had the fun dinner (boys have this tradition – when mom is not home they drink soda with dinner.. I cook for them before I go anywhere.. Most of the time their favorite meal)

All of sudden he said he missed me and asked me if I did miss him.  Right at that moment I was taken aback. Never thought I had to answer this question. I am a mom first, I did think of them when it was time for their bus to come or dinner time..But it is not missing them, right? I didn’t know how to explain it to him all I said yes, I did miss you.. But was thinking if it was missing or thinking about them? I didn’t feel like rushing back home whole day but was happy coming back home that I had a day just for myself and was ready to be a wife and mom.

Not sure if It makes sense to anyone but some times nothing in life makes sense, right?