Do you go through that? When you don’t know what you are feeling?
I went through that conflicting state this morning.
Today CIP, the program Anand is in, had it’s convocation. It was supposed to be a day of celebration of their achievements. This was the feeling last night and this morning when we got ready and drove.
It was all good till then, but just when they started the program something hit me hard. It felt like the school league when they handed over a trophy to every child. It sounded wonderful but have these kids really come this far? What is their place in this crazy world, more so I felt Anand is so alone here. Ajey is the only family he has. What is in the future for him?
This was the time I didn’t want to say anything positive to myself. Told myself it’s okay to feel this way sometimes.
Right after the ceremony I got the news of the demise of a brilliant friend who was a young doctor, an avid reader and an amazing human being. I got to know her through the 100SareePact and spent 3 days with her in her home few years ago (In Vizag) I am still in shock. She worked tirelessly during covid and survived but not the cancer she was battling for the last 10 months.
Anand wanted to go to a Mall to shop for a highschool friend, so after the ceremony the 3 of us drove to Albany. A very quiet drive as we 3 were in our own worlds. Anand didn’t get a haircut and saved money for his friend’s gift. I am so proud of him for thinking of it. His gift choices broke my heart, my son has no idea what a 22 year old girl would like. He bought makeup and a necklace from some store in the mall. It would have been a cute gift for a 13-14 year old girl but not for someone who is graduating from college. But one thing good came out of it. When I said this is not a perfect gift for a grown woman and some day I will take him and show him what to shop for he agreed. That is a big step.
In the mall a mom from my Desi Moms Network came to meet me. In the middle of her crazy work day, she drove over 20 minutes just to hug me. She brought some home made pickle for me, hugged Ashish thanking him for the drive. She was just happy to be with me for 20 minutes and then drove back home. But that meeting healed me to some extent. Two of us would have never met if not for Autism.
As I type this tonight I am not sure if my heart is heavy or my mind is wandering or the body is tired but one thing is for sure - I am not alone. I just need to remember that even if I am exhausted and feel like I cannot go any further, someone will remind me to look back and see how far we have come.
I wish you the same - even if your world is crumbling down, you have lost someone close, you will find something to hold on too just because someone believes in you.
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