Empty Nesters Pandey's - A new reality

I have written about our days at home before Anand left for a program for the year on my blog. The program is designed to teach him independent living skills as well as social skills. 

The pandemic changed everyone’s life and ours wasn’t an exception. The three Pandeys still managed okay because we had our work and online social life and met people on and off with social distancing as we had our circle already in place. Anand was finishing his program at Accept Collaborative and was ready to take the next step, planning to join Bridgewater State University’s MAICE program designed for kids with needs to give them the college experience. The application process was going on, he got accepted in March and right away everything went downhill.

 Anand did join the program but it was online for him, same as everything else in the world. No-one adjusted willingly to this new world but it was particularly hard for him. He had left his known social circle in Accept and gone to a new program which was online. So the last 18 months were difficult , seeing him spending time  playing games and watching videos, only doing one class online in the fall semester and in spring one on campus but with no added college experience. 

This year this program brings us hope and excitement. Anand will have an experience like everyone else who starts college or living independently.

The mother in me is hopeful and nervous. We are back home, trying to adjust to a new reality. Both the boys bedroom doors are open, curtains pulled away and it’s just a quiet home. The fridge is not over flowing and meals are quick and easy. 

I am planning to use this time to do things I haven’t done before.

For now I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping the Universe will be kind to both my boys.

Goodbyes are hard - time to practice "Let Go"

 Last week I decided to document our count down for Anand’s going to a new program this year. These posts are my daily blogs. Past two weeks were eventful in way to say the least. Ajey’s moving to city and Anand to the Berkshire I hope for the best for my men.

 Monday we all woke up and got ready to start a new beginning. The 2 hour drive was quiet and calm with no traffic. After checking in we got into his apartment and unloaded the stuff, organized his room. Anand opened his bank account and I walked in the area aimlessly thinking this would be my son’s “hometown” for this year. So many changes in all our lives and hoped it will help us grow.

His roommate’s mom brought so much stuff and I felt guilty for not doing enough. But I know my boys are minimalists , they don’t need much.

We had packed lunch in school and then a parents session about “what to expect”. It was very interesting to hear about everyone’s concerns but one thing was very evident in that room. All of us were hopeful and worried at the same time. We all had been playing so many roles for our children and all of a sudden we were leaving them in someone else’s care.

Ashish and I stayed in the area for another day to explore the Berkshires. We drove around, walked, ate and visited a brewery as “empty nesters” officially. But at the same time I couldn’t stop thinking about Anand. I know it will take some time. But for now I am determined to have a new beginning for me too. I am hopeful that my boys will do just fine.

Tuesday - It was so weird waking up in the hotel room and realizing that Anand is just 5 miles away and slept in a different room, away from home, which will be his home now for the next 10 months. 

Ashish and I enjoyed our breakfast overlooking the mountains, then did some hiking and took a long drive around various towns in the Berkshires. After lunch we headed back to our newly “empty nest”. My evening was spent putting away leftover things, packing supplies and all the empty boxes. My dishwasher is still full as Anand used to empty it. I decided not to do it tonight. Tomorrow will be a new beginning for mom too.

 Reading this was heart wrenching I wish I had this manual 24 yrs ago. I do feel I would have done things so differently. This piece of paper was one of the hardest to read. 

The calm before the storm - minus one - The last night at home

 Last week I decided to document our count down for Anand’s going to a new program this year. These posts are my daily blogs. Past two weeks were eventful in way to say the least. Ajey’s moving to city and Anand to the Berkshire I hope for the best for my men. 

Sunday - The three Pandeys ate Mirchi bhajj and pakoras for breakfast while Anand decided to play video games. He made pasta for his lunch and the rest of us ate poori. Having Ajey home has been a comfort in a way.

I wonder what is happening in all those households who are sending their kids to college or various programs. We packed almost everything on Friday. Dad and I had taken the day off thinking we would go out for dinner, shopping or something fun. But Anand decided not to do any of these so we packed. He could care less so I ended up packing my way. After that we just just hung out at home and watched TV without talking much. It was different when Ajey was going to college. Or may be I don’t remember much because I didn’t document it as such. 

I remember shopping mostly from Bed, Bath and Beyond and driving to his college and then helping him unpack in his college room. 

This time we had so much stuff at home so did most of the shopping in Costco and Amazon. How different these two experiences are.

I wanted to cook and feed him his favorite food but for the last one week he has been eating his meals his way, cooking pasta or getting take outs. The farewell dinner was Panera. The mom in me cringed but I had to honor his wish . So Panera bread won over moms cooking. 

We all went to bed with questions and check lists on our minds and hope in our hearts.

Dropping Ajey at the train station will be a norm but this was first time. A strange feeling to say good bye to him. We are so similar yet so different. We argue and get onto each other's nerve but again we both get it. A hug from him and words that everything will be okay was enough to held me together that day. 

Panera was supposed to be a takeout but he decided to eat there last minute. 

This was our breakfast and lunch, Left over went in another backpack for Ajey's Monday brekafast :) Fresh Chili from a friend's garden.

Packing - so many folds and emotions

 Last week I decided to document our count down for Anand’s going to a new program this year. These posts are my daily blogs. Past two weeks were eventful in way to say the least. Ajey’s moving to city and Anand to the Berkshire I hope for the best for my men. 

It is Friday night and here I am sitting and thinking about Monday. Anand is going to a program for the next 10 months where he will stay in an apartment with a roommate. Both of them will learn so many nuisances of independent living and moms will not be their teacher. 

A phone call from another mom whose son will share the apartment with Anand made me feel better. Assurance that I am not alone going through this emotional roller coaster. For a change we agreed that we don’t have to do everything. We talked like long lost friends, exactly picking up on the thoughts and emotions going on in each other’s mind, could soothe each other’s anxiety. We know we will talk again tomorrow and the day after and then meet on Monday. We will help our kids move into their “home” and hope that they support and help each other, ignore each other’s quirks and be mindful of their limitations and find a lot of common things to enjoy. 

Today was a good day and I hope tomorrow gets even better. 

Saturday -A dear friend hosted a dinner as she wanted to say good bye to Anand. Anand decided to stay home and eat pasta and watch TV. His brother came home for the weekend mainly to wish Anand well. Ajey went for a lavish south Indian meal and Anand stayed home.

I so wish I could do anything. We all had great time. but I couldn’t stop wishing Anand was around.

This last week has been pasta, noodles, cookies, berries, brownies, chips and coke for all the meals. The mother in me wants to cook all his favorites and he is refusing to eat anything I cook. It breaks my heart but I understand it’s his way of dealing with his anxiety. 

A simple cotton Saree for dinner on Saturday. 

 Lucky to have people who understand what we go through. A dear friend cooked for Anand but it was us who enjoyed it. 

                                                 While we were busy thinking, packing, planning my son was going through his own thought process, caught him walking on his usual route. I am sure so many will miss seeing him walk.

Celebration continues - the beginner's luck - Encore in Boston

The Bday celebration continues

We have many milestone years during Pandemic Ashish and I turned 50, celebrated our 25th and now Anand turned 21.

All of us have our own idea of celebration. Mr husband treats everyday the same where I could celebrate anything and everything. Food and friends and a get together makes everything worth celebrating. People who love me did whatever they could given the time. I had many small lunches, get together and gifts for my celebration. Anand didn’t want to do anything publically but somehow we did celebrate in various ways. “Gambling” became one of those :(

One day when we were driving to Ajey’s we passed the Casino “The Encore” in Everett. I loved the outdoor area when Mr and I were there last and mentioned it to the boys and surprisingly both the brothers agreed right away and the plan was decided to spend Saturday early afternoon to avoid the crowd.

That Saturday when we picked up Ajey we realized we never took him to a casino, so in a way it was a “first” for both of them.

Ajey got bored really quickly but Anand’s day was another story. Anand made money in the casino over slot machine. Here are some picture to tell you the story. I was there for fun, food and the Pandey men.

 Anand was so happy to show off his id - "21" 

Ashish taught many things to the boys, this could be one of those :) 

***When we sometimes take people in our lives for granted***

 I cannot wait to read this on your blog she said laughing and sure enough here I am writing about it. She is my friend after all and knows what rattles me at times but at that very moment she didn’t know she wasn’t just venting, she was giving words to my emotions. 

I called her for my own sake but it was she who had things to share that evening. I am sure she hadn’t planned on it but our conversation turned to her relationships and how she feels she is taken for granted, is not even asked what she needs or wants, not even given the opportunity to decide what she wants. 

I did tell her to speak up, let people know how hurtful their behavior is and then may be move on but is it really that easy ? I can see calling out people if they mistreat you (I sure can do that)  but then “letting it go “ is not that easy. She is a different breed all together, she won’t do it. But I questioned her if it is worth keeping it all inside and feeling the agony?

We talked for a long time and even if I couldn’t resolve anything, we could talk it out and I hope it gave her some direction. She sure needed a conversation to start somewhere. I am curious to see the outcome of our discussion.

Do you feel used, taken for granted by Parents, siblings, kids, friends, spouse, lovers or coworkers. Do they even know they are doing it? Do you feel like stopping this and standing up for yourself?

What do you do? Say it out loud? Find it difficult to confront or easier to walk away or just feel resentful ? 

Why cannot we keep the expectations in check? When is it too much? When to stop expecting? But then don’t you think you loose the warmth of a relationship if it is not reciprocal?

A Mysore silk for a farewell lunch for a visionary man, who tirelessly worked for a better quality of life for people with special needs as well for those who care for them.

Mike Moloney, a visionary CEO of HMEA decided to retire. As a new board member I was invited to be part of the celebration. I have met him over Zoom a couple of times. Meeting him in person will remain with me for a long time. Being the only brown woman and on top of that in a saree- our conversation flew from my work to yoga to India and my Saree stories. He is a yogi and starting a new chapter as Yoga teacher. 

 A friend got me some flowers from her garden. The simple gesture can make you feel loved and valued. sometimes thats all we need.